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BLT - Hold The Mayo
Information Avenue Premium - Issue #160 - Volume 4, Issue 4 - November 10, 2006

If you're reading this and you don't live in the United States you might think this does not pertain to you. But, keep reading. Those of you who live in other countries can learn about our electoral process and how we come up with the leaders we do. And those of you who do live in the U.S.A. will understand exactly what I'm about to say.

Well, the elections are finally over. As usual, the party that controls the White House got stomped in this mid-term election. It happens every time, so it should come as no surprise that whatever party controls the White House when mid-term elections are held has made a lot people unhappy. Whether it be the Democrats or Republicans - it's the same old, same old.

In my little town we had various candidates running all over trying to get elected to some obscure office or the other. They all want money. Campaign contributions (or bribes) are big at election time. But that's another story for another time.

If you could have been in My Little Town during this election season (which usually lasts about 10 months) you would have laughed. The closer it got to election day, the more nasty the campaign got - and the more signs people stick in their yards. Some yards looked like little cemeteries. I won't put anyone's sign in my yard. I wouldn't even put one in my yard if I were running for something.

All the candidates had rallies and the newspaper in My Little Town actually gave these rallies a lot of press coverage. As you can imagine, the newspaper in My Little Town struggles to fill all five pages with news, as not much goes on around here.

In My Little Town, if you have fifteen people at a rally, it's big news. What with the punch and donuts and confetti, these are gala affairs and quite newsworthy, at least here in My Little Town.

I have no idea who these people are, but whoever they are, some of them actually got elected yesterday. But one thing I can count on for sure is: nothing is going to change. Nothing ever does in My Little Town.

But, I must admit. I did get caught up in all the frenzy and now I've got presidential fever. So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about elections and things political and I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. I'm announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. I'm declaring early for the 2008 election because I am broke and have no money. I'm already $350 million behind in the game - and I'm a complete unknown -except to you, dear reader. So, anyway, I've got a lot of catching up to do.

You're probably scratching your head wondering why I, "Thundercloud", have decided to run for president. Unlike most candidates, I'm actually going to answer your question.

If you live in the U.S.A. you'll understand what I'm about to say. If you don't live here, you're about to be enlightened like never before about our election process.

Most of us here in America, when we vote, usually have to choose between the lesser of two evils. So, when we go into the voting booth we've got to choose between two people that we don't really like.

So when we vote we're face with two bad choices. We choose what we think is the better of the two bad choices.

It goes something like this:


1. Which of these would you rather eat? (You must vote for one.)

A. Moldy Peanut Shells

B. Wet Corn Husks Fished From A Drainage Ditch

2. Which of the following would you rather do? (You must vote for one.)

A. Be Locked In A Room For 24 Hours With A Three year-old Banging On A Loud Toy Drum

B. Be Locked In A Room With Billy Mays For 24 Hours Screaming About "Oxyclean"

3. Which of the following would you rather have? (You must vote for one.)

A. Leprosy

B. Smallpox

4. Which of the following would you rather drink? (You must vote for one.)

A. Turpentine

B. Gasoline

So, I've decided to give America a choice. My only regret is that I cannot accommodate those who live outside my country as I cannot run for president of the world, but would if I could. You might want to think about whether or not we should have a president of the world. If you think we should, then I'm your guy.

First of all, since in my public persona I don't have a first name or a middle name, I need them. So I've chosen Braylon Lincoln as my first and middle names. I'll be running under the name of Braylon Lincoln Thundercloud.

You're probably wondering why I've chosen that name. As your candidate, I promise to honestly answer all your questions even if I don't want to. So here's the answer to your very first question: "Why, Mr. Thundercloud, did you choose Braylon as your first name and Lincoln as your middle name?"

Here's the honest answer (as you can see I'm already showing myself to be different from the other candidates because I'm actually going to answer you honestly):

I've always thought it's pretty cool for a president to be referred to by his initials. You know, like FDR, JFK, and LBJ. So, I had to think of a first and middle name what would give me initials that would immediately place me the "presidents who were known by initials" category. I chose "Braylon" because it begins with a "B". I chose "Lincoln" because Abraham Lincoln was famous and a president, and besides it starts with an "L". Braylon Lincoln Thundercloud = BLT. So, if I'm elected, I'll be right there with the other presidents who were known by their initials: FDR, JFK, LBJ, and BLT.

Besides the above, it gives me lots of fodder for future catchy slogans, like: "BLT. Better than a sandwich." "BLT. More than a sandwich.". And if I'm really lucky and run against anyone named "Mayo" I can use: "BLT. Hold the Mayo." My head is dizzy thinking up all these cool campaign slogans. How about: "BLT...this guy's for me!"

Having a good campaign slogan is essential these days. Presidential candidates are marketed, much like the aforementioned "Oxyclean". Lots of cool camera shots, sound bytes, etc. I especially love the political commercials where the candidate is coddling a couple little babies and surrounded by twenty school children all gleeful in his presence. The candidate always has his shirt sleeves strategically rolled up. This gives the man (or woman) the appearance of being a family-oriented sort of person. It doesn't matter if they're married or not or even if they have any children. It's appearances that matter these days.

That's why I'm not going to allow myself to be photographed, taped, or filmed. I'm going to carry on the tradition of my forefathers who believed that cameras steal your soul. I have allowed myself to be painted by an artist though. The one rule was she had to make me look handsome and make my ears smaller. Not seeing my handsome face on the news every night will keep my ego smaller too! I have included, for your fascination, my official campaign portrait painted by artist Kelly LeBrock. Feel free to use this likeness of me (although my ears are larger in real life) on any campaign materials you create. Since I have no money, you'll have to create campaign materials for me - using whatever scraps you have lying around.

But, you gotta admit: I would look good in the White House. No ties or suits for me! Can you imagine my "State Of The Union" address?

This is a real grassroots movement. I'm counting on about 150 million of you chipping in and helping me. So donate money, get your kids to make campaign posters, and let's change the way America votes. Then next time we have an election, you won't be forced to choose between corn husks fished out of a dirty drainage ditch and moldy peanut shells. I'll give you a real choice for a change!

I plan on actively campaigning beginning January 7, 2007 or January 11, 2007, depending on which feels more lucky. I trust my instincts. I will govern by instinct.

Furthermore, I am going to sell my house and hoof my way across the country on horseback. I will truly be the "homeless" candidate, I will need to rely on regular folks like you to provide me with food and shelter during my campaign. No fancy Gulfstream Mustang jets for me! No Hilton or Marriotts! No escargot or caviar for BLT. I realize I'll have to go off my diet. During my campaign I promise to eat nothing but burgers and fries, donuts and milkshakes, you know, real man food. And, I will also eat whatever handouts I can glean from good folks like you. I only hope you can cook.

Eightball will be my vice presidential running mate. That way if you get any funny ideas about getting rid of me, you'll think twice! I think of it as a sort of insurance policy against early removal from office, if you know what I mean. So make sure whatever you feed me doesn't have anything "strange" in it, or you'll have to deal with Eightball, and trust me, you don't want that.

Just remember, folks: No Cameras! No video recorders! If you have an extra bedroom and you would welcome me and my horse at your house - by all means, let me know and I'll get back with you. I still have to work out a schedule that will allow me cross the country on horseback and find enough good people to sponge off of stay with each night. If you also feed me well while I stay at your place, will give you full access to my cell phone number. That's called a "perk". I think.

For all of you who are American citizens that consider yourself "Democrats" or "Republicans" and wonder exactly which party I am affiliate with, I've got some bad news for you: I will not affiliate with either of these two parties. I'm starting my own. It's called "The People's Party". I have two simple rules: I will not accept bribes "contributions" over $25.00 and I will not accept bribes "contributions" from corporations. If you're an INC, LLC, LTD or something like that forget about it! I won't accept your money.

And if you're not a citizen of the U.S.A., I'll take your money, but no more than $25.00 U.S.D. and make sure you bribe me donate to me in U.S. Funds. This is because it's hard to spend Euros or Aussie dollars here, and goodness knows, I'm going to have a hard enough time as it is without having to look for a bank in Broken Arrow, Utah that will exchange foreign currency.

One more question and then I have to go feed my horse. Yes, you there, in the back row. The lady in the back row wants to know what my platform is. OK. As promised, I'm going to do something totally unheard of for a presidential candidate: I'm going to answer your question.

My platform is simple. My experience is with computers and we're going to put computers to work in the Thundercloud administration. Each state will be divided up into netcakes. Each netcake will have no more than 250,000 people. Each netcake will have a Thundercloud Web Site where everyone can participate in government. We'll have daily polls and let the people make the decisions. Every day, I'll have Eightball post the "Decision Of The Day". And you can decide what we'll do. That way if anything goes wrong, I can blame the people instead of having the people blame me. If 300 million of you are wrong, oh well. I tried. Truly, an ingenious idea whose time has come. Don't you think.

I'll get into more details about my platform when my campaign officially begins on January 7 (or January 11). But, basically as you can see, I'm going to turn our government back over to the people. Then, if something goes wrong, you won't have the president to kick around anymore. I'm so brilliant. I wonder why no one has thought of that before. Al Gore should have thought of it, since he invented the Internet.

Anyway, I have to go because Earl is hungry; he's kicking the door in the barn. Earl and I have a long journey ahead of us so I better take care of him. Speaking of Earl, he does allow pictures as his ancestors do not believe that cameras steal the soul. So, Earl will be available for photographs while we are on the campaign trail. And, he asked me to tell you that he loves muskmelon and M & Ms (peanut) too.

Oh, and one more thing: If those of you in other countries are feeling left out: don't! I will be glad to run for president of the world if you want me to. I already have several campaign slogans ready for that: "Can't we all just get along?" "Peacefully With BLT." "Harmony With BLT!" "We're All Free With BLT."

I have the solution to the illegal immigration problem too - we'll all be one big happy country! Annexation is the solution. Either Canada or Mexico could annex us, or we could annex them. As long as I'm the president, it doesn't matter to me. We'll be just one big happy country!

Do you think Quintana Roo or Ontario would make the best "51st" state? How about making Ohio a Canadian province? If you want to make Ohio a Canadian province, please wait until after I'm elected. Don't make Ohio a Mexican province though. My Spanish is not so good. About all I can say in Spanish is "¿Dónde está el dinero?" As it stands now, I have to be a U.S. Citizen to be elected president (Arnold S. are you listening?). So, don't annex Ohio yet or I'd be a Canadian citizen, and therefore unable to run for President of the United States. I would make a debonair Prime Minister of Canada though, don't you agree?

¡Adiós Amigos! Au revoir Amis ! Vaarwel vrienden! Arrivederci amici! Auf Wiedersehen Freunde!

C'est un petit monde après tous ! ¡Es un mundo pequeño después de todos! It's a small world after all!

Off to feed Earl now. I'll be looking forward to visiting your town next year as long as I have a place to sleep and something to eat. Hint...

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