reading this and you don't live in the United States you might think
this does not pertain to you. But, keep reading. Those of you who
live in other countries can learn about our electoral process and
how we come up with the leaders we do. And those of you who do live
in the U.S.A. will understand exactly what I'm about to say.
I have no idea who these people are, but whoever they are, some of them actually got elected yesterday. But one thing I can count on for sure is: nothing is going to change. Nothing ever does in My Little Town.
But, I must admit. I did get caught up
in all the frenzy and now I've got presidential fever. So,
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about elections and things
political and I've decided to throw my hat in the ring. I'm
announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. I'm
declaring early for the 2008 election because I am broke and have no
money. I'm already $350 million behind in the game - and I'm a
complete unknown -except to you, dear reader. So, anyway, I've got a lot of catching up to do.
That's why I'm not going to allow myself to be photographed, taped, or filmed. I'm going to carry on the tradition of my forefathers who believed that cameras steal your soul. I have allowed myself to be painted by an artist though. The one rule was she had to make me look handsome and make my ears smaller. Not seeing my handsome face on the news every night will keep my ego smaller too! I have included, for your fascination, my official campaign portrait painted by artist Kelly LeBrock. Feel free to use this likeness of me (although my ears are larger in real life) on any campaign materials you create. Since I have no money, you'll have to create campaign materials for me - using whatever scraps you have lying around.
But, you gotta admit: I would look good in the White House. No ties or suits for me! Can you imagine my "State Of The Union" address?
This is a real grassroots movement. I'm
counting on about 150 million of you chipping in and helping me. So
donate money, get your kids to make campaign posters, and let's
change the way America votes. Then next time we have an election,
you won't be forced to choose between corn husks fished out of a
dirty drainage ditch and moldy peanut shells. I'll give you a real
choice for a change!
Furthermore, I am going to sell my house and hoof my way across the country on horseback. I will truly be the "homeless" candidate, I will need to rely on regular folks like you to provide me with food and shelter during my campaign. No fancy Gulfstream Mustang jets for me! No Hilton or Marriotts! No escargot or caviar for BLT. I realize I'll have to go off my diet. During my campaign I promise to eat nothing but burgers and fries, donuts and milkshakes, you know, real man food. And, I will also eat whatever handouts I can glean from good folks like you. I only hope you can cook.
Eightball will be my vice presidential running mate. That way if you get any funny ideas about getting rid of me, you'll think twice! I think of it as a sort of insurance policy against early removal from office, if you know what I mean. So make sure whatever you feed me doesn't have anything "strange" in it, or you'll have to deal with Eightball, and trust me, you don't want that.
Just remember, folks: No Cameras! No video recorders! If you have an
extra bedroom and you would welcome me and my horse at your house -
by all means, let me know and I'll get back with you. I still have
to work out a schedule that will allow me cross the country on
horseback and find enough good people to
For all of you who are American
citizens that consider yourself "Democrats" or "Republicans" and
wonder exactly which party I am affiliate with, I've got some bad
news for you: I will not affiliate with either of these two parties.
I'm starting my own. It's called "The People's Party". I have two
simple rules: I will not accept
And if you're not a citizen of the
U.S.A., I'll take your money, but no more than $25.00 U.S.D. and
One more question and then I have to go feed my horse. Yes, you there, in the back row. The lady in the back row wants to know what my platform is. OK. As promised, I'm going to do something totally unheard of for a presidential candidate: I'm going to answer your question.
My platform is simple. My experience is with computers and we're going to put computers to work in the Thundercloud administration. Each state will be divided up into netcakes. Each netcake will have no more than 250,000 people. Each netcake will have a Thundercloud Web Site where everyone can participate in government. We'll have daily polls and let the people make the decisions. Every day, I'll have Eightball post the "Decision Of The Day". And you can decide what we'll do. That way if anything goes wrong, I can blame the people instead of having the people blame me. If 300 million of you are wrong, oh well. I tried. Truly, an ingenious idea whose time has come. Don't you think.
I'll get into more details about my platform when my campaign officially begins on January 7 (or January 11). But, basically as you can see, I'm going to turn our government back over to the people. Then, if something goes wrong, you won't have the president to kick around anymore. I'm so brilliant. I wonder why no one has thought of that before. Al Gore should have thought of it, since he invented the Internet.
Anyway, I have to go because Earl is hungry; he's kicking the door in the barn. Earl and I have a long journey ahead of us so I better take care of him. Speaking of Earl, he does allow pictures as his ancestors do not believe that cameras steal the soul. So, Earl will be available for photographs while we are on the campaign trail. And, he asked me to tell you that he loves muskmelon and M & Ms (peanut) too.
Oh, and one more thing: If those of you in other countries are feeling left out: don't! I will be glad to run for president of the world if you want me to. I already have several campaign slogans ready for that: "Can't we all just get along?" "Peacefully With BLT." "Harmony With BLT!" "We're All Free With BLT."
I have the solution to the illegal immigration
problem too - we'll all be one big happy country! Annexation is the solution.
Either Canada or Mexico could annex us, or we could annex them. As long as I'm
the president, it doesn't matter to me. We'll be just one big happy country!
¡Adiós Amigos! Au revoir Amis ! Vaarwel vrienden! Arrivederci amici! Auf Wiedersehen Freunde!
C'est un petit monde après tous ! ¡Es un mundo pequeño después de todos! It's a small world after all!
Off to feed Earl now. I'll be looking forward to visiting your town next year as long as I have a place to sleep and something to eat. Hint...
Have a comments? Have a question for the "candidate"? Please
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