Our Little Rant by Eightball & Thundercloud
First published in InfoAve Premium Issue #144 July 21, 2006
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Bungalow Bill
The cyber world's going
crazy again. Now, the entrenched Microsoft bashers are calling
Microsoft's "Windows Genuine Advantage" "spyware". The term "spyware" is
just about the most over-used word on the Web these days. It's turned
into a catch-all phrase for anything someone doesn't like. And the more
it is used the less "shock value" it has. Someday the word spyware will
have no meaning and ordinary folks won't know the difference between
real "spyware" and the zillions of program that are called "spyware"
without just cause.
And, now, the Web is
virtually bristling with news about Microsoft WGA and the two lawsuits
filed against Microsoft for allegedly installing "spyware" on us poor,
unsuspecting, innocent, Windows XP users' computers. How dare they!
But you have to understand,
filing a lawsuit against Microsoft that you can never win, is a really
great way to generate traffic for your Web site and, let me tell you,
traffic equals dollars. And if you don't yet have a Web site, I'm
betting you're going to soon; and you'll get off to a heck-of-a-start.
And if you opt-out of creating the overnight sensation - site of the
year, you'll opt for the talk-show circuit where you can make big bucks
too. In any case, win or lose your lawsuit, you win.
When you read the lawsuits
which were filed you have to wonder what the real motivation was. Which
brings to mind that EB won't let me sue Microsoft. I could've made us
famous! Darn it, I wish we would sue Microsoft for something, maybe then
we'd be rolling in the dough from all the traffic which would come our
way when people, curious about this site called "Cloudeight" would come
see what we were all about. Wow! Cloudeight on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC,
ABC, NBC, CBS, and BBC, can you imagine? But EB won't let me sue
Microsoft! I can picture myself on Oprah ranting on about Bill Gates and
his swashbuckling anti-pirates - and not having to worry about
punctuation, quotation marks or grammar. Is Oprah's grammar better than
mine?
Sort of seriously, let's
discuss the Windows Genuine Advantage (WGA) program; what it is and what
it does - and why some think it's spyware. Believe it or not, I'm not
going to be verbose (really!). Most of those of you who have used
Windows XP for any length of time know the basics of Windows Genuine
Advantage. It checks to make sure your copy of Windows is genuine (i.e.
not pirated - eh, Bill?) and if your copy of Windows checks out
everything's cool. If it doesn't you've got a problem. See I was brief!
Unfortunately, the Web is not a perfect
place and fortunately not everyone's computers are the same. And,
there's a lot of griping going on because Windows Genuine Advantage is
not perfect - in fact, it's far from perfect. And because a small
percentage of the time Windows Genuine Advantage calls innocent people
"pirates", those who lie in wait for another Microsoft blunder writhe in
indignation and spew forth their anti-Microsoft tirades. These
anti-Microsoft crusaders (am I still allowed to use that word?) have
nothing better to do than bash Microsoft. (Funny thing, they are
probably bashing from a Windows PC.)
Argh! Matey! You be a pirate? Probably not. But if Windows Genuine
Advantage mistakes you for a pirate, understand that nothing on the Web
is perfect. So don't go off firing your cannons and raising the skull &
crossbones. If you're sure your copy of Windows is genuine, you can
actually pick up the phone and call Microsoft and speak to someone.
(Yes! They do have some real people there that can actually speak and in
English too!) It doesn't take
as long to get through to a live, living, breathing person as you might
think; and they'll be able to help you and get you off the "pirates"
list. If you have a problem with WGA and cannot download from Microsoft
you should get it taken care of soon. If you don't get it fixed in the
very near future you will not be able to download important security
updates and patches.
One thing more about genuine copies of Windows. If you bought your
computer from Dell, HP, Acer, Alienware, eMachines, Tiger Direct
(SystemMax) or any major computer company or computer retailer your copy
is genuine. If you bought it from Joe's Downtown Computer Store &
Repair, umm I don't know what to tell you. We've read a lot of horror
stories about custom built PCs coming from little shops in little towns
that don't exactly have legit copies of Windows installed. You see, Joe
might have "stumbled" upon a Windows XP corporate key as he surfed the
Web one night and he might be installing the same copy of Windows on
every computer he builds and using that corporate key he "stumbled"
upon. That makes Joe a pirate. Yo Ho! Yo Ho! A pirate's life for Joe.
Unfortunately for you, when you go to
Microsoft's Web site and want to download software; Windows Genuine
Advantage will need to check your copy of Windows for authenticity. And,
of course, if it finds your copy is pirated and you won't be able to
download the software. But wait, there's more! Turn around and look out
your window (no pun intended). Do you see police cars amassing on your
front lawn? No? Do you see FBI agents skulking through your shrubbery?
No? Do you men in black raincoats milling about in front of your
domicile? No? Of course not. Despite what the bashers want you to
believe, Microsoft is not "spying" on your personally and they're NOT
going to come and have you arrested if your copy of Windows is not
genuine. In fact, you can call Microsoft and tell them where you got
your computer (you know, the one from Joe's Computer Shop, the one with
the pirated copy of Windows) and they'll probably give you a real copy
of Windows. But you'll have to tell them about Joe and Joe might not be
so lucky as you. There's a remote chance that charges may be brought
against poor old Joe; but more likely that they won't be. Big bully
Microsoft picking on the likes of poor old Joe's Hometown Computers
would not be great public relations; and Microsoft's public image
doesn't need any more fiascos. Microsoft has to tread carefully. They'll
probably tell Joe to stop making illegal copies of Windows. Slap him on
his mouse-hand and hope he'll be good from now on. Microsoft is after
the criminals who set up multi-million dollar counterfeit software
shops. The guys and gals who are pressing thousands of illegal copies of
Windows and MS Office and selling them on the Web and the black market.
They're not after you and your dog, Camille. I promise. Ain't that
right, Bill?
But according to Microsoft-bashers (You have to understand something: if
you're cool, you bash MS - like when you're in school it isn't cool to
"like" your teachers and even worse to admit you actually like school.
It's not "cool" to be knowledgeable about computers and "like" Microsoft
- so bash away!) Microsoft sits silently on top of a hill in Redmond
drooling - just waiting to pounce on Emily, Jack, Willie, Karen and
little Tina-Marie (and her Barbie doll and pet turtle) should they be
ferreted out as pirates. Hmmm! Yo! Ho! You Ho! A pirate's life for me!
Really, you have to take much of the stuff written by renowned MS
bashers with a HUGE grain of salt. The anti-Microsoft crowd may have
many ulterior motivations for bashing the Redmond giant. Here's some
rules for you wanna-be Microsoft bashers:
Rule #1. Do you want to be a geek and garner the respect of your
peers? Bash Microsoft. If you want to be respected and loved, you cannot
like Microsoft.
Rule #2. Do you want to make your torpid web site bustle with
activity? Bash Microsoft endlessly. It's good for traffic and traffic is
good for business. Don't let up. Bash MS for everything they do. Bash
Melinda Gates for shopping at Wal-Mart. Bash Bill Gates for drinking
cheap spring water. You don't need any justification. And you sure don't
need any verification. Bash! Bash! Bash!
Rule #3. If you have money or have a source for money (tell us
first then), sue Microsoft. That will take your lethargic little Web
site and put it on the map. You'll get big time publicity on major
broadcast and cable networks and you'll be famous or infamous depending
on whether you win or not. But win or lose you win. Because, big time
publicity equals big time traffic; and big time traffic equals big time
bucks.
I'm not a lawyer, unfortunately, so I cannot say who's going to win the
"spyware" suits against Microsoft. But in my humble and grammatically
incorrect opinion, I don't think either suit has a chance. But, just in
case you've been visiting Aunt Suzanne in the hills of central Bolivia
and don't know anything about these lawsuits, take a few minutes and
read the news reports about them (don't forget to come back though, I'll
miss you!)
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/275780_msftsuit29.html
http://blogs.zdnet.com/BTL/?p=3185
http://www.pcworld.com/resource/article/0,aid,126387,pg,1,RSS,RSS,00.asp
It goes without saying that Microsoft has
clearly made some huge blunders with WGA. Hey Bungalow Bill, you
listening? We like Microsoft generally,
but to say they've gone about this whole WGA thing in an amicable and
forthright way would not be true. It's hard to believe with all the
talent they employ, that they couldn't have gone about this whole thing
in a kinder, gentler, more open way. But to conclude that WGA is
nefarious and that it is "spyware" simply because it mimics some of the
activities of spyware is ludicrous. The motive behind spyware is totally
different and that separates "spyware" from other things like WGA.
McAfee and Symantec (Norton) do the same
thing that Microsoft is getting all the flack about and they do it all
the time. Has anyone raised a ruckus about them? Not that we know of and
if they have it hasn't made a big splash on the Web.
Well, let's take McAfee as a "for instance"
because, heck, we've picked on poor, old Norton enough! When we had
McAfee installed it "phoned home" about every three days. If you didn't
let it phone home, it stopped working and left your computer
unprotected. That's pretty nasty. But no one is yapping about McAfee
(but us) and no one blasts Norton (but us). And, whatever in the world
possessed us to try McAfee is beyond me; but we did. Then we discovered
we couldn't completely uninstall it, it had tentacles in every crevice
of our brand new machines. We had to format to get rid of it. Well that
was yesterday and yesterday and McAfee are both gone!
Back to WGA: Do you have a right to protect your property from theft?
Certainly. Are copyrights property? Yes, they're intellectual property.
Try plagiarizing one of John Grisham's novels once. Does Microsoft have
the right to protect its intellectual property from piracy. Indeed they
do. The round-about way they go about it might be clumsy (and a public
relations nightmare), but they do have the right to ensure that the copy
of Windows that you're using is genuine. Like it or not my friend.
But, let's say you disagree and think Microsoft has no rights in this
regard. OK. I'm going to tell you right now what's going to happen.
Someone at Microsoft is going to start thinking and they're going to
reach the same conclusion that I reached when I gave this whole mess
some thought. And if I can think of it, you know they can think of it.
And, it's ingenious. I should charge Microsoft for this information, but
because I'm the sort that loves to say "Hey! I told you so!" I'm going
to tell you what's going to happen if all this commotion continues over
WGA and/or one or both of the two parties suing MS for being spyware,
wins their lawsuit
This is what I'd do if I were Bill Gates: I would charge you for your
copy of Windows the same as always ($98.00 or so). Then I would charge
you a yearly subscription fee that would entitled you to all Windows
Updates. I think $49.95 is a nice number because it's the same as my
buddies at Norton -Symantec charge a year to keep Norton Internet
Security working and updated. If you don't pay up at the end of the
year, your Windows won't work. HA! HA! Just like Norton and McAfee don't
work if you don't ante up at subscription renewal time. Ha! Ha! Ha!
Pirates? Pirates? We don't care about no stinkin' pirates! Then (if I'm
Bill Gates) I'm thinking: "OK. So they ripped me off when they got their
copy of Windows free, but I'll make the $98,00 back in two years, plus
another $98.00 in the next two years. I'll be richer than ever and I
won't have to worry about WGA or pirates. Hey, Melinda, grab me one of
those Sam's Club spring waters while you're up!"
You read it here first. Because, I can almost guarantee you this is what
is going to happen. It's so simple it's brilliant. But when it does
happen, don't blame me. Blame those Microsoft-bashers who just had to go
off the deep end with their ridiculous "Microsoft is Spyware"
accusations.
So, sometime in the future all those anti-Microsoft people and their
baseless charges - and bizarre rantings and ravings - are going to cost
you and me and every other Windows user about $50.00 a year.
But it might be worth it to me. Because a year or so from now, I'm going
to tell you all - "See? I told you so!" And, you know how much I love
doing that!
Tell us what you think
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