You Say You Want Some Evolution

You Say You Want Some Evolution

My friend and I go 'round and 'round about evolution. He's a believer. I'm not. He thinks we all crawled out of some gooey, primordial slime as single-celled organisms. We swam around mindlessly, recreating at will, running amok in scummy swamps on some relatively new planet, humans later called "Earth". Then according to my friend the evolutionist, we turned into fish.

Our evolutionary journey ambled upward at a ploddingly slow pace and eventually turned us into fish with legs. We crawled out of those black, tarry lagoons and began ravishing mosses, ferns, and lichens and slinking around forests. We were little, slimy, super-slinkys, with tiny legs, eating nothing but mosses, lichens and primeval ferns

Mosses, ferns and lichens taste exactly what you'd think mosses, ferns and lichens would taste like - bad. My evolutionist buddy says we gave up on the foul-tasting fare and went for the good stuff. We grew large, savory lips and started sucking milk from coconuts and maple syrup from trees with lips designed by evolution to be just perfect for sucking.

Over the course of billions of years, evolutionary magic turned us into the beautiful, highly intelligent, bipedal creatures we are. (When I speak of beauty and intelligence, I'm not referring to my friend or I specifically, but to humanity in general. I just wanted to make that perfectly clear.)

I've never believed in evolution and my friend thinks this is stupid. I’m sorry, old friend, I still don’t believe in evolution. You’ll never convince me you are right.

You're probably just dying to know just what I do believe in. I'm going to tell you. I call it the "Mothers of Invention Theory". The name comes from the aphorism: "necessity is the mother of invention".

Here's a synopsis of my "Mothers of Invention Theory":

In a galaxy far, far away, there lived a civilization so advanced we cannot even begin to comprehend it. A few hundred million years ago while cruising around our corner of the galaxy this super-advanced alien race, stumbled upon our primordial Earth. There it was, spinning all alone in the deep void of space around an ordinary yellow star which we now call the sun. The earth was empty, really empty. There weren't any single-celled creatures. There were no fish with or without legs. There were no ferns, no moss, no coconuts, no lichens, no cornflakes, no iPods, iPads, toothpaste, cellphones - NOTHING. Floon, as they called this planet, was just a blue ellipse spinning around an ordinary star, in an ordinary orbit, lost and alone in the vast void of space and time. There was a lot of water though and that is what captured the alien's attention.

"Lookie there" said one of the aliens, "that planet has a lot of water." "Well, I'll be!" another alien exclaimed. They named the planet Floon and rejoiced. They proceeded to build highly-advanced and complex laboratories on Floon. Over the course of the next twenty million years they attempted to create new organisms using nothing but a few chemicals and some Chlorox they brought from their home world.

They made thousands of attempts to build living creatures only to be frustrated when every one of these new organisms lived only briefly and then died. They failed in their attempts to create viable life forms and they created a really big mess too - rotting carcasses littered the landscape.

Another problem was that the new creatures they created did not want to procreate. Procreation is a critical component to creating happy, living species and the key to a successful experiment. The aliens finally found and solved the problem. They made procreation fun, really fun, and soon all the little critters were proliferating wildly - running amok - and within days the planet was covered with feisty little critters all bent on eating and procreating. Earth was a ball!

The first animal they created was the mosquito. What a mistake. These little suckers procreated faster than the aliens ever imagined. In only a few short earth-weeks mosquitoes had taken over the planet. A few more weeks passed and they all died. This was a puzzling development that had the aliens scratching their heads in bewilderment.

They soon realized that Floon had no food. Mosquitoes need food to live. This led to the invention of cows. Cows are big, fat, and full of blood - perfect food for mosquitoes. Cows were soon set loose upon the face of the earth and proliferated with almost as much alacrity as the mosquitoes had. In a very short time, the sound of bellowing cows covered the planet. The aliens released a newer version of mosquitoes which then feasted upon the bellowing cows.

For as smart and advanced as the aliens were, they seem to have missed key steps at every turn. The cows died, the mosquitoes died and Floon was inundated with mosquito and cow corpses. The Earth smelled terribly foul. The aliens were sickened by the stench. Frustrated and gagging, they fled the festering planet and headed back to their world, in a galaxy far, far away.

The next generation of aliens learned much from the mistakes of their elders. A return expedition was launched – and once again Floon became an alien laboratory.

After reviewing the previous alien experiments they quickly indentified the problem. "How stupid is this?” the alien leader asked. "There were no bloody plants for the cows to eat, so the cows died, and without cows there was no blood for the mosquitoes to suck, so they died too." At least all the corpses had completely decomposed by making a very fecund soil, perfect for the next experiment - the planting of the seeds; the vegetable garden gone wild.

From their home, in that galaxy far, far, away, they brought seeds of all sorts. There were tree seeds, grass seeds, corn seeds, moss seeds, even lichen seeds. Indeed there were all manner of seeds. Using huge airborne seeders, they spread seeds over all the land masses and, just as they surmised, the seeds sprouted and grew and Floon was soon lush with all variety of plant life and other fun stuff.

After several thousand years passed, the aliens set cows and mosquitoes loose on Floon to roam free upon the surface of Floon. Of course, this time they flourished and reproducing at an astonishing rate - even faster than our national deb. Soon Floon was overrun with cows and mosquitoes. The experiment was a great success, but a planet with only cows and mosquitoes is hardly interesting to any advanced society. The aliens soon became bored with watching mosquitoes sucking and hearing cows bellowing, so they left Floon and went back home.

After several hundred-thousand years, a new generation of Aliens, truly bored aliens, came back to Floon to check on the mosquitoes and cows that had been left there by their ancient ancestors.

They were quite surprised by what they found. With all that cow blood to suck, mosquitoes became dangerously big - big enough to annoy the aliens- even though the aliens were blessed with extremely tough, thick hides. Something had to be done and done quickly. The Floon laboratories were becoming a living hell for the aliens. The aliens were livid. New critters had to wait until they solved the old critter problems. That's when they invented birds with long, sharp beaks. "This will take care of the mosquito issue!" the alien leader said. And so it was that birds of all kinds were released upon the lands and seas of Floon and they were fruitful and multiplied as all good birds will do.

Soon the birds were eagerly controlling the mosquito population. However, the cows were now running rampant. The cow problem was even bigger than the mosquito problem. There weren't any birds with large enough beaks to eat a whole cow. Other than a few innocuous hunks ripped from the backs of the cows by the larger birds, the cow population continued to grow and grow and grow unhindered. Birds too continued to over-populate Floon with amazing proficiency.

"We have created quite a mess here", the alien leader admitted. Indeed! What a mess it was. A planet of birds, cows and mosquitoes and everything but the mosquitoes were reproducing at a must faster rate than the gasping planet could sustain.

Enter the dinosaur. When the aliens invented the dinosaur they thought they had invented ultimate eating and killing machine – a living, breathing garbage-truck of a beast. The dinosaur was the product of years and years of R & D. Dinosaurs ate everything - plants, birds, cows and mosquitoes. There were flying dinosaurs we now call Pterodactyls. There were fierce giant land-shaking carnivores. There were herbivores and omnivores – some even think there were s’mores. Cows ran for their lives and birds flew into dark, dank caves and hid in the highest branches of trees. The mosquitoes developed nervous disorders galore and spent their entire lives trying to avoid being sucked down into the bowels of hungry dinosaurs.

Generations of aliens, one after other, developed new and better species. New ideas, new critters, random acts of genetics. Some were ridiculous failures, however. Aardvarks, avocados, platypuses, and armadillos are good examples of really good experiments gone bad. They couldn't even sell their home world on the "Armadillos Gone Wild" video. The "Platypuses Gone Wild" video was even a bigger flop, although I don't know why - a gaggle of platypuses parading around topless in some Ft. Lauderdale bar really tickles me for some reason.

Anyway, they learned from their mistakes. One critter led to another and eventually led to the creation of hominids - which ironically led directly to their biggest mistake of all.

It wasn't long after the creation of those first hominids that the aliens began to realize that their experiments on Floon were doomed. An alien who bore the familiar name of Mike performed one final experiment on Floon. Mike created human beings and what a disaster that turned out to be. Humans running rampant, proliferating faster than mosquitoes, procreating with reckless abandon, began a killing spree which continues even to this day. Humans, who had very large brains – thanks to Mike - invented knives, swords, bludgeons, gunpowder and guns. Armed with guns they began to annoy the aliens that had created them. The rest is history.

This also explains why "Mike" is such a popular name in the modern world. The next time you run into a Mike, you should thank him.

Anyway...

There is no written history of these events. Humans, in their ambition to bash things into submission, invented swords, knives, bludgeons, and guns before they invented the tools of writing. By the time humanity began writing down historical events, the petrified aliens had fled, high-tailing it back to their home galaxy never to return to to this world again; at least we don't think they have returned. This is a good thing too. If they ever saw what we've done to this world they'd be livid. Heaven knows what havoc they could unloose upon us if they were so inclined. Lucky for us they don't really care. We are a good experiment gone bad - very bad. We become something those pointy-headed intellectuals swept under the pile of unsold platypus videos.

We have ruined a really good thing. The aliens abandoned their spherical test tube ages ago and we've been left to our own devices. Now we are all alone in a lost corner of the universe on a planet we share with hedonistic platypuses and and other remarkable and unremarkable remnants of ancient alien experiments. The aliens have gone away and don't give a darn about watching us in our folly as we weave our own certain demise.

My friend sticks to the theory of evolution. I'll stay with the "Mother of Invention Theory". If nothing else, it gives us something to argue about when we run out of other things to argue about. My theory makes as much sense as his.

I'm about to convince him that his beloved theory of evolution has been replaced by a newer, more modern theory - one that promises to render the theory of evolution as useless as Argentine armadillos. It’s the “Floating Brain Theory”. You think that I’m joking don't you? Ha! The "Floating Brain Theory" makes the theory of evolution look as goofy as those drunken platypuses dancing topless in Ft. Lauderdale - and that is exactly why I love it. You don't believe me, do you? Google "big brain theory" and you'll see I'm not joking.

My friend clings tenaciously to the theory of evolution. I think my "Mother of Invention Theory" has great merit. Now scientists have the "Big Brain Theory" which I lovingly refer to as the "Floating Brain Theory". After pondering these theories I'm back to a very old one.

Why torture my mind with any of these theories? It is so much easier just to believe in God.

Tell us what you think - Please