Cloudeight Internet: Our Little Rant


Our Little Rant by Eightball & Thundercloud

(From our Information Avenue Premium Edition Newsletter - August 13, 2004)

If I Were the King Of The Internet

Since Eightball's on vacation this week I have proclaimed myself to be king of the Internet.

Well, not really, but if I were there would be some changes.

NOTICE TO SCUMBAGS: All you scumbags who sit in your dank, cob-webby, clandestine computer labs and produce spyware/malware and worse: I give you fair warning. I am proclaiming a war on spyware. Any company that produces spyware and any advertiser who advertises in spyware-generated advertising banners will be hunted down and vanquished from the Internet. If you're not with us, you're against us! I'll wipe you and your ilk off the face of the Internet! 

Visualizing Scumbags at Work: I can just see these pernicious, slimy miscreants creating little yellow smiley traps to lure the new netizen into their slimy little cesspool of endless popups, churning hard drives, hijacked search pages, irrelevant search results, broken browsers, and ultimately broken computers. I can almost see them chortling about their latest "cute" gimmick to induce the uninformed user to download yet another scumware program. "Hey Al!" "I got it! Look at this cute little smiley face with the cheeks that puff in and out. Took me 20 minutes to make. This will make us millions. Think of all the computers we can ruin! This will suck them in like crazy!". "Wow, that's cute, Al. Good work. That'll suck in another couple hundred thousand! Those dummies will fall for that one for sure!!".

DECREE! Everyone is now required to subscribe to InfoAve and a few other selected (I will select, thank you) newsletters. Everyone is required to make their home page!  Also, everyone will be required to install SpySweeper (not free, but a working free trial available. Our #1 pick and PCWorld's #1 pick too) or Spybot Search & Destroy + AdAware, SpywareBlaster, CWShredder, Hijack This!, and WinPatrol. And as suggested by Dee in today's featured Open Letter, all new computer users will be required be licensed. Yes, of course, there will be a licensing fee payable to me, the king! New computer users will have to take an oath to keep all the above programs on their computers at all times and repeat "I know there is no such thing as a free lunch" one hundred times. They'll also be required to read every EULA of every program they download and install as well as read our Tips & Tricks E-book.

It is fun being king of the Internet. But, alas, I'd rather be the president of the United States. Thundercloud for President! We'd finally have a real choice! Maybe even France would like us! Oui! Oui!  Anyway, if I were president the first thing I would want to see are those alien bodies know the ones they keep locked up and hidden somewhere; the ones they captured in Roswell? The ones they deny but everyone knows exist?   Hmmm show 'em to me. I wanna see...

"Hello?" "Yes, this is TC". "You're from where? The CIA?" "What did I do?" "HUH?"

Fortunately for all of you Eightball will be back next week and my musings will be more lucid. (Do I hear a sigh of relief?)

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