So You Wanna Be A Millionaire
"I DONE IT - AND YOU CAN TOO"
Thundercloud Seminars, Inc
First published on January 19, 2007
In InfoAve Premium #170
It's your lucky day. You just saved $1500.00. Thundercloud, with
uncharacteristic magnanimity has granted you "special" permission to
attend his "So You Wanna Be A Millionaire" seminar at no cost to
you. This seminar normally retails for $1500.00, but for you, today
only, it's free! So, listen up! You just might learn a thing or two.
'Cause he done it, and you can too!

Good morning folks! Are we all ready to become
instant millionaires? Good. Let's all give a war hoop to get our
motors running and get ourselves pumped up for today's seminar,
which could (if you're lucky) change your pathetic little lives! Are
you ready! Let's do the Thundercloud War Whoop!
Ready? Stand up and scream:
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Yahoo! Are you pumped now? I know I am! I'm ready to
take on the world, are you? If you're going to be millionaire,
you're going to have to be ready to take on the world. You're going
to have to keep yourself pumped up. You're going to have to ready to
take advantage of everyone every opportunity!
The world, as you obviously do not know, is awash in money.
Unfortunately, most of us aren't privy to that basin of funds. It's
mostly controlled by 1/10th of 1% of the people. They got it,
they'll try to keep you from getting it. And, that's why, I suppose,
you all forked out $1500.00 for this one hour seminar - so you could
be awash in money too!
If you've looked around lately, you'll see everything is about
money. I'm not here to pass moral judgment on that, I'm here to
teach you how to get some of that money for yourself and your family
- or your "significant other" as the coolspeak generation likes to
say. By-the-way, if you're married, don't let anyone know - just
pretend they're your "significant" other. It's about as cool to be
married these days as it is to use Internet Explorer. Coolspeakers
use Firefox and have significant others. If you want to play the
game, you have just got to fit in. Otherwise ,you'll reduce your
chances of having the world that is awash in money washing over you.
OK group! Take out your notebooks and pens, and start writing -
because I'm now going to share with you the secrets of the universe
- umm at least the secrets of being a millionaire.
Let's not beat around the Bush (no pun intended). The best and
easiest way to become a millionaire and join those that live in the
part of the world that is awash in money, is by getting into U.S.
national politics. Once you're elected, you're on the steamboat to
success. Whether you're male or female, you'll instantly be welcomed
into the "good old boys club" where cigars are 'a 'smokin, deals are
'a cookin', and you're on the shore of that vast ocean of money. If
you can get elected, and re-elected just once, I guarantee you,
you'll be awash in money.
I don't want to dwell on this method of getting rich, for as I look
around this room, I don't think most of you would make attractive
candidates. First, you have to have teeth and look somewhat
presentable - no offense intended! But, maybe one of you can pull it
off. If so it's a ticket to ride on the gravy train. Because, it's
easiest and fastest way to get rich legally.
The neat part about politics, is that when you're too old to
politick you'll get all sorts of plaques and gold watches - as
people praise you for being such a dedicated <Thundercloud can
hardly stop laughing here> "public servant" HA! HA! HA! HA!. Sorry
class. That term always tickles me dern near to death! These yeckles
get rich, plunder the poor taxpayer and then get honored for being
great public servants. Doggone it! That's the way to go if you can
do it. Get yourself elected to something and plunder away!
Like I said, before, that's not an avenue that is
available to a rather unattractive bunch of hayseeds like you people
- and I mean that in the kindest way. Teeth and so on are required
for public office and many of you are missing many of the attributes
that would make you viable candidates.
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Before you go out and hang yourself from a long rope (no pun
intended), don't dismay. I, Thundercloud, am going to give you hope;
inspire your souls; and teach you all - and in just a few minutes,
you'll learn how to set up your own global empire and become a
millionaire mogul. Yes you, Elmer! Yes you, Florence! Yes, you Tim!
Yes, you Myrtle! Yes, you Frank! And, you, you and you - and you!
When you leave here today, you're going to thank your lucky stars
that you plunked down your life savings to attend my seminar because
today - er ummm maybe not til tomorrow, you'll see the world in a
different light. You'll be hunkering down waiting for that part of
the world that is awash in money to wash all over you. In fact,
after you finish my seminar:
You'll be able to look at a Lexus and not even glance at the sticker
You'll be able to afford to buy real organic food
You'll be able to buy a new toaster that is big enough for bagels
You'll be able to eat someplace other than Taco Bell
You'll be able to subscribe to InfoAve Premium
You'll be able to buy leather shoes with tassels on them
You'll be able to wear stuff with the real Nike logo on it
You'll be able to afford iPods in any color you want, and get all
the Podcasts and MP3s you want
You'll learn that the word "Lobsters" means more than a minor league
baseball team in Maine
You'll learn that there are other stores besides Wal-mart, K-mart,
and Dollar Stores (yes, Virginia, there really are!)
You'll be able to afford a stuffy team of big-time lawyers, and
commit almost any crime with impunity
You'll learn the arcane secrets the wealthy use to avoid taxes and
stay out of jail
You'll have power, prestige, and respect.
You'll snidely thumb your nose at those
pathetic peons who work for a living
You'll have teeth!
Yes, indeed, my friends, I'm going to transform you from a seedy
bunch of
pathetic losers, into nicely coiffed financial wizards. Soon, you'll be
splashing about in a world that is awash in money. You'll drive
fancy cars. Laugh in the face of morality. Rise above the law! Shake
hands with politicians and other rich folks. Eat Italian cookies!
Drink French wine! Get real unsolicited, personal phone calls from
Oprah Winfrey, Newt Gingrich, or Barry Bonds! You'll have the power
and success that, until now, has so obviously and adroitly alluded
you!
I'm going to teach you how to write self-help books with titles
similar to the ones I have written. Titles like: "I Done It,
You can Do It Too!", "Spamming Your Way To Eggs Benedict", "The Five-Minute Millionaire
Bathroom Reader", "Be A Spyware Guru - Plunder The Masses From
The Web, "Have Your Lobster Bisque And Eat Theirs Too!", "Buy
The Empire State Building With No Money Down!", "What Does Donald
Trump Have That You Don't?" (I have to laugh here as I'm thinking
"teeth & hair?" chortle! chortle!). "Plundering The Elderly - Start
Your Own Chain Of Low-budget Nursing Homes", "How
Morality Keeps You Poor" and many others. It doesn't
matter if you know how to write! It doesn't matter if your grammar
is horrendous! It doesn't matter if you can't spell. Look at me! I done
it, and you can too!
Yes
friends,, in just a few minutes you're going to walk out that
door with the Rosetta Stone of financial wizardry right in your bony
little hands. My pearls of financial sophistry oozing from page.
Ideas from the heretofore hidden recesses of my glorious over-sized
cerebellum; ideas that can and will change your financial well-being.
Soon
you'll be rubbing elbows with the rich and famous! You'll have
shiny, golden globs of Pouilly Fuisse running down your pampered chin. You'll be dabbing
succulent Russian caviar from
your glossy silicon-enhanced lips; wiping chunks of imported,
rare truffles
off your Rolex; you'll be surrounded by a gaggle of cowering sycophants! You'll
laugh in the face of speeding tickets! Easily buy your way out of DUIs!
Bribe mayors, governors, even presidents - to get what you want.
It's a world that has alluded you too long. It's your turn to
legally plunder and pillage - it's you, baby! You! You! You!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
As you leave the seminar today, my assistant, Eightball (the one in
the clown outfit) will be handing you each a folder full of my own
decadent, money-making ideas
that will transform you from a loser into a winner! Soon, you'll be presenting seminars
just like mine and getting hundreds of schlumps to pay you $1500.00
for an hour of chicanery and sophomoric (but witty!)
pseudo-aphorisms.
Thank you for attending the seminar. Don't forget to pick up your
folder as you pass the clown on your way out.
Hey! I done it and you can too!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Have a comment? Care to
rant? Please
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