Thundercloud & Eightball- Rants and Musings

National Mustard Day

Did you know that eating ketchup, tomatoes and other tomato products is more dangerous to your health than smoking cigarettes? It's true! Read on, fellow ketchup eaters, you're about to be shocked out of your vines!

I have a confession to make. I'm addicted to tomatoes. I had a feeling I might be, but thought it was one of my ludicrous mental aberrations - a purely distorted view of reality like many others that I have.

However, last night while I pondered meek and bleary
over the volumes of forgotten Google lore,
I came upon a single volume, an article, just an article,
an article and nothing more.

(I think the word "an" is an article too, isn't it? So is my rain coat, right?)

Anyway, I came across a small bleating by a doctor who goes by the name of Horace T. Lichtenstein, a  Bohemian physician and researcher who, for many years, has been ostracized by his peers.

While his ostracism may, on the surface seem to be warranted - he was, after all, the man who broke the news that bicycle tires caused anorexia and was later proved wrong - but in the case of tomatoes (no pun intended, I assure you) he is on to something big.

It seems that tomatoes contain a substance known as dithilamidetetracholirdane hydrochloride 2,3,6,1 which is the active addicting agent in many of the world's favorite drugs including: cocaine, opium, heroin and aspirin.

It seems to me that tomato growers and processors are making millions of dollars by pandering to the hundreds of millions of addicts that they have cultivated since H. J. Heinz first bottled ketchup and sold it from the back of a horse.

I eat ketchup on everything - I really do. I love it in cottage cheese, chicken noodle soup, vegetable soup and cereal. I love it on grilled cheese sandwiches, French fries, eggs, fish, chicken, turkey, goose, chocolate, Pate de Foie Gras, Boeuf Wellington, cheeseburgers, hamburgers, turkey burgers, chicken burger, salmon burgers, baked potatoes, sweet potatoes,  pretzels, chips, pickles and so forth.

I love stewed tomatoes, fresh tomatoes, canned tomatoes, dried tomatoes, tomato soup, tomato paste, marinara sauce, spaghetti sauce, pizza sauce and so forth. I am so addicted that I've eaten whole jars of spaghetti sauce right out of the jar with a spoon. I've even given into my yuppie-slime proclivities and squirted a little ketchup from a purloined McDonald's ketchup packet on top of my Starbucks Caffè Latte' (so luscious with that gob of red goo on top!).

I'm a helpless hump of quivering animal flesh whenever I see a bottle of ketchup. I can't control the urge to dump a big, thick, dollop of it on my tongue and savor it for a moment before letting it slide slowly and smoothly down the old tonsil chute.

This morning, I was a struck by a revelation. I am more addicted to ketchup than I ever was to cigarettes. I called my lawyer about initiating a law suit against H.J. Heinz for ruining my life and addicting my pathetic inner workings to their salacious, sinister sauce.

My lawyer opined that I must be out of my mind, so I left him behind - I'm so unkind.

Anywhale, moving right along...

I knew right then that he must have voted for and/or worked for John Kerry in 2004. I am going to find a new lawyer tomorrow, I don't need any more losers on my team. One is enough.

I just got down throwing away my entire stock of ketchup and every can and jar of anything made with tomatoes. I'm going cold turkey - with no ketchup please.

From now on I'm going to use mustard instead of ketchup and I'm going to let the world know they should do the same. I'm going yellow!

I am proclaiming today as National Mustard Day. We're going to paint the planet yellow with that underused, spicy, pungent sauce. It's mustard for me today and everyday thereafter. I will no longer be a slave to tomato farmers, tomato processors, or H.J. Heinz.

I stopped being a slave to Mr. Marlboro long ago. I can do this and you can too!

YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN!

Join me today in the first ever ketchup-out. It's National Mustard Day, go yellow with me won't you?

You don't want your lives and the lives of your children ruined by tomatoes do you? Throw out your tomato products and and buy mustard. Use it wherever you'd use ketchup or tomato products.

Yellow is good and red is bad. Remember, yellow and red make orange - and you do know that all things orange are dangerous, don't you?

Our ancestors were right when they said tomatoes were poisonous and we all foolishly laughed at them. I wonder who's laughing now?

Today is National Mustard Day. YOU CAN KICK THE HABIT!

Be mellow - Go yellow!


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Published 4/01/2008 - All content is copyright ©2008 by Cloudeight Internet.