National Mustard Day
Did you know that eating ketchup, tomatoes and other
tomato products is more dangerous to your health than smoking
cigarettes? It's true! Read on, fellow ketchup eaters, you're about
to be shocked out of your vines!
I have a confession to make.
I'm addicted to tomatoes. I had a feeling I might be, but thought it
was one of my ludicrous mental aberrations - a purely distorted view
of reality like many others that I have.
However, last night while I pondered meek and bleary
over the
volumes of forgotten Google lore,
I came upon a single volume, an article, just an article,
an article
and nothing more.
(I think the word "an" is an article too, isn't it? So is my rain
coat, right?)
Anyway, I came across a small bleating by a doctor who goes by the
name of Horace T. Lichtenstein, a Bohemian physician and researcher
who, for many years, has been ostracized by his peers.
While his
ostracism may, on the surface seem to be warranted - he was, after
all, the man who broke the news that bicycle tires caused anorexia
and was later proved wrong - but in the case of tomatoes (no pun
intended, I assure you) he is on to something big.
It seems that tomatoes contain a substance known as
dithilamidetetracholirdane hydrochloride 2,3,6,1 which is the active
addicting agent in many of the world's favorite drugs including:
cocaine, opium, heroin and aspirin.
It seems to me that tomato growers and processors are making
millions of dollars by pandering to the hundreds of millions of
addicts that they have cultivated since H. J. Heinz first bottled
ketchup and sold it from the back of a horse.
I eat ketchup on everything - I really do. I love it in cottage
cheese, chicken noodle soup, vegetable soup and cereal. I love it on
grilled cheese sandwiches, French fries, eggs, fish, chicken,
turkey, goose, chocolate, Pate de Foie Gras, Boeuf Wellington,
cheeseburgers, hamburgers, turkey burgers, chicken burger, salmon
burgers, baked potatoes, sweet potatoes, pretzels, chips, pickles
and so forth.
I love stewed tomatoes, fresh tomatoes, canned tomatoes, dried
tomatoes, tomato soup, tomato paste, marinara sauce, spaghetti
sauce, pizza sauce and so forth. I am so addicted that I've eaten
whole jars of spaghetti sauce right out of the jar with a spoon.
I've even given into my yuppie-slime proclivities and squirted a
little ketchup from a purloined McDonald's ketchup packet on top of
my Starbucks Caffè Latte' (so luscious with that gob of red goo on
top!).
I'm a helpless hump of quivering animal flesh whenever I see a
bottle of ketchup. I can't control the urge to dump a big, thick,
dollop of it on my tongue and savor it for a moment before letting
it slide slowly and smoothly down the old tonsil chute.
This morning, I was a struck by a revelation. I am more addicted to
ketchup than I ever was to cigarettes. I called my lawyer about
initiating a law suit against H.J. Heinz for ruining my life and
addicting my pathetic inner workings to their salacious, sinister sauce.
My
lawyer opined that I must be out of my mind, so I left him behind -
I'm so unkind.
Anywhale, moving right along...
I knew right then that he must
have voted for and/or worked for John Kerry in 2004. I am going to
find a new lawyer tomorrow, I don't need any more losers on my team.
One is enough.
I just got down throwing away my entire stock of ketchup and every
can and jar of anything made with tomatoes. I'm going cold turkey -
with no ketchup please.
From now on I'm going to use mustard instead of ketchup and I'm
going to let the world know they should do the same. I'm going
yellow!
I am proclaiming today as National Mustard Day. We're going to
paint the planet yellow with that underused, spicy, pungent sauce.
It's mustard for me today and everyday thereafter. I will no
longer be a slave to tomato farmers, tomato processors, or H.J.
Heinz.
I stopped being a slave to Mr. Marlboro long ago. I can
do this and you can too!
YES WE CAN! YES WE CAN! YES WE
CAN!
Join me today in the first ever ketchup-out. It's National Mustard
Day, go yellow with me won't you?
You don't want your lives and the lives of your
children ruined by tomatoes do you? Throw out your tomato products
and and buy mustard. Use it wherever you'd use ketchup or
tomato products.
Yellow is good and red is bad. Remember, yellow and
red make orange - and you do know that all things
orange are
dangerous, don't you?
Our ancestors were right when they said
tomatoes were poisonous and we all foolishly laughed at
them. I wonder who's laughing now?
Today is
National Mustard Day. YOU CAN KICK THE HABIT!
Be mellow - Go yellow!
Tell us what you think -
Please
Published
4/01/2008 -
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