Minneapolis and Other Things We Stole

Minneapolis and Other Things We Stole

Minneapolis is a name that we (white people) stole from the Indians, or to be more PC: Native Americans. We stole a lot of things from the Indians, but not the Cleveland Indians; we can't blame those Indians on the real Native American Indians.

We stole a lot of names from the Indians. White folks are good at stealing things and making a lot of money. Take Windows for example - or Facebook. See? It's true.

I digress. We stole the names of a lot of states from them: Ohio, Michigan, Minnesota, Iowa, and some others. We stole the names of cities from them: Minneapolis, Sandusky, Huron, Pontiac, etc. We stole their land and their women. We even stole their bison and called them buffalo. That must have really stung. Not only did we steal the animals, we stole the name. By-the-way, have you ever been to Buffalo? You're lucky if you said, "no". Buffalo's biggest claim to fame is that it's about a half an hour away from Niagara Falls (we stole the word "Niagara" from Native Americans too). And if you like leaps of logic, essentially we are still stealing from the poor Indians: take "Viagra" for example.

Most rich men and women who own professional sports teams are white. And they have no qualms about stealing from the Indians either, even in this modern PC era. Long after we (the white folks) wiped out most of the Indians and placed the few remaining Indians in concentration camps-euphemistically called "reservations" ( where Native Americans eek out a living selling beads, peace pipes, face paints and headdresses ) some rich and powerful white people still steal from those poor folks. I reference the Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs, and Chief Wahoo (the Cleveland Indians mascot, for those who don't know). If you want to learn more about these kinds of things, check your local newspaper's sports pages under "Standings". No, not "understandings", under the heading "Standings" - if you're not a sports fan, just forget it. Trust me on this: A lot of professional and amateur sports teams have stolen their names from the Indians.

Native Americans, according to the history books I have read, have always had a weakness for alcohol. It didn't take the white man too long before he realized that if plied with alcohol, Indians would do all sorts of things: for instance selling Manhattan to some Dutch guy - a very white man, by-the-way - for a few beads and trinkets. I would bet when those particular Indians sobered up they were really feeling silly - and used; Manhattan is a very pricey piece of real estate.

I'm happy to tell you that some white folk are regretting what their ancestors did - and they're remorseful and are now trying to make amends. In order to smoke the peace pipe with the remaining Native Americans, the current thinking is to empower those we've shoved off to reservations by allowing them to own and operate casinos and tax-free shops which sell tobacco products-- and alcohol. The latter is like allowing arsonists to sell blow torches and matches. But anyway, I'm happy that we - white people - are finally trying to make things right with the folks we've stolen so much from - the Indians. As more and more Native American casinos and tax-free tobacco and liquor stores open, the Native Americans will be empowered. And it just may well be that the Indians will end up exacting the ultimate revenge on white folks who gamble, smoke and drink.

I'm glad to say that I don't smoke or gamble, but I do like my booze. I've never been to a tax-free, Indian-operated liquor store, but I'm googling right now trying to find the nearest one. Wow! A bottle of Grey Goose which sells for $28.00 at my local imbibery, sells for $15.00 at the nearest Native American owned and operated, tax-free liquor store. I assume that means that the taxes on that bottle of Grey Goose I normally buy are $13.00 total. Who's getting that $13.00? What are they doing with it? The roads in my state (Ohio) are in serious need of repair, our bridges are crumbling, our water is dirty, and our schools are failing. You'd think they could rebuild the whole state just from the money they make from that $13.00 tax placed on every delicious bottle of Grey Goose that is sold here. But the roads keep getting worse - I can't tell you how many axles I've broken by driving 90 MPH over three-foot-deep potholes. Maybe I should organize a Grey Goose party - and throw cases of Grey Goose into Lake Erie while wearing my tri-corner hat and powdered wig.

When I really think about it, we not only stole a lot of names and so forth from the Native Americans, we stole the whole damned country.

But finally, after a few hundred years we're starting to feel badly for our ancestors savage ways, and now we're paying retribution by allowing Native Americans to have casinos, smoke shops and liquor stores. It's the best we can do I guess. They can start exacting revenge on the white man in a very nice and amicable way and profit from the white man's sins.

I wonder how we'd feel if an advanced civilization cruised on down from some distant star system and stole the whole country from us, and then a few hundred years later, they start feeling terribly guilty, and give us casinos, smoke shops, and booze shops to run (maybe I could run the Grey Goose department).

I wish all American Indians well. I wish the Cleveland Indians well. Every year I wish the Cleveland Indians well, but as they always say in Cleveland, "wait 'til next year".

I'm off to Michigan. Michigan is awash in Native American-owned and operated casinos and tax-free tobacco and liquor emporiums. No wonder there are so many poverty-stricken and inebriated people in Michigan. I'd fit right in!

Michigan? Here I come!

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