Albuquerque

So anyway, we are delayed. I'm sitting here like a hump in the city whose name no one can spell: Albuquerque. But I can spell it because I like the way it looks - the word, certainly not the city.

Come to think of it, I like the way a lot of words look - take "sullen" for example. You really have to smile when you see a word like "sullen" Words like "sullen" look and sound like what they mean. For instance, if I said: "Susan lost her finger in the mixer. She sat stunned and sullen in the ER, holding the severed finger carefully in her undamaged hand." I bet you'd have no trouble determining that Susan was not a happy woman. Not even close. She was sullen; and you'd be sullen too if you lost your finger in a mixer.

Other words, like "dearth", don't mean what you'd think they would mean. These are foolapropisms.

Here, I'll show you what I mean: "The peanut vendor was suffering from a dearth of peanuts." That sounds like the peanut vendor is sullen because she has too many peanuts, and they're all rotting on her peanut wagon. But if that's what you think, you're wrong. The peanut vendor may indeed be sullen, but it's not because she has too many peanuts, it's because she doesn't have enough of them.

And you can see I am very PC, since you probably thought the peanut vendor was a ratty-looking man.

Digressing again: "dearth" is a foolapropism.

So the peanut vendor is sullen because she has too many peanuts, and you're sullen because you can't spell Albuquerque. But you shouldn't be sullen because you're better off not knowing how to spell Albuquerque. If you can't spell it you've probably never been there and that makes you a fortunate person. Fortunate is another word that pretty much looks like what it means - unlike indiscretion which looks like hell.

Anyway, a lot of words were invented to make you look stupid. Let's take a look at the T-words: turgid, turbid, torpid, turpid, tumid, and turmeric. These are all common words, and most people don't have clue. When's the last time you looked at a muddy river and thought - "Wow! That river is sure turbid!". Never. When is the last time you read a column by George Will and thought, "my how turgid!"? Never.

Can you remember the last time you saw a hooker plying her trade, wiggling her bare legs and so forth, and thought to yourself - "Hmm, that hooker is really turpid." Right! You never thought that because you have no idea what turpid means. I am right, aren't I?

Now you can go out and impress your friends by calling them - if they're bloated - "turgid", Or if one of your friends tells you a crude joke, you can call her turpid. Yes, it's the PC in me that makes me do that.)

But please don't thank me. Yet. 'Cause wait! There's more!

Have you ever awakened in the morning and dragged yourself to the bathroom and thought, "I really feel torpid this morning"? Here's a good one: The next time you need a day off from work, call you boss and tell him you have severely tumid leg and can't come in.

And turmeric? It's only good for mustard, unless you're from India or Tibet, then you can do many things with it, including using it as foot powder.

If nothing else here makes you you think, think about this. I'm sitting in Albuquerque - a city whose name few people can spell and even fewer people dare visit, unless they're seriously bored. To those people, I say: If you're think you're bored now, come to Albuquerque.

The people who run Albuquerque want you to think you're in Mexico. They want you to think that so they can sell you fancy hats and make you think the Mariachi band is comprised of funny Mexican fellows - but it is not. Actually the Mariachi band is comprised of five Iranian refugees, all hiding from King Tutankhamen - or whatever that goof's name is - Ahmad Dinnerjacket? That's it! Anyway, Albuquerque goes to great lengths to make you think you're in Mexico; even their highway signs are in metric - which is a European language often used in Mexico along with Spanish, which is just barely a European language.

And despite the tomfoolery of Albuquerque's city fathers - when you're in Albuquerque you're not in Mexico. You're in New Mexico. Grab a map - New Mexico is right next to The Republic of Arizona. While Arizona is trying hard to succeed from the United States, it has not yet been successful - but stayed tuned, it could happen soon. I wish Abraham Lincoln were president now, he could tell us what to do if Arizona gets crazy. If New Mexico succeeded no one would care, but Arizona? How would all those little cacti get to Walmart?

If you're from Mexico and you travel to Albuquerque, either by accident or on purpose, and you don't have your "papers", they'll deport you to Arizona. In Arizona they'll put you in concentration camps and make you listen to Sarah Palin's speeches - translated into Spanish. And at night they bombard "confinees" with Fifty Cent translated into Chinese - so as to make him more understandable.

I don't know much about how Mexican people think, but I can tell you that you don't want to end up in an Arizona concentration camp. Many a poor illegal immigrant - and legal ones without papers - have gone in sane and come out nutty - if indeed they ever get out. Sometimes they don't.

You don't want that kind of thing happening to your family; it can get into your blood and become a bad gene, and all your progeny may be be affected. So if you're from Mexico and want to visit Albuquerque because you're bored, make sure you have your papers with you at all times, To refresh your memory: make sure you have your papers with you because New Mexico is right next door to Arizona and all you fine Mexicans know what that means.

I'm ready to leave Albuquerque now. Hopefully, you've learned many things today - some new words, all about Albuquerque and its quirky, intolerant next-door neighbor Arizona. If you're American, you may visit Albuquerque with impunity - no papers needed; unless of course, you're an American who looks like an alien. If you are an American citizen who looks even remotely foreign, you should bring your papers - a passport or birth certificate should with you. You sure don't want to end up in Arizona, do you?

I am bored as I board the aircraft. I look out the window of the plane and I see the skyline of Albuquerque; thousands of tepees, all festively lit, line the horizon. I sigh as the engines spool-up. Albuquerque will do anything to suck the money from torpid tourists.

OK. Now you can thank me.

Oh! And one more thing: Did you know that 94% of the world's turmeric is grown on large commercial farms right here in Albuquerque? It's true. Albuquerque's crappy climate is ideally suited for growing the spindly, turgid turmeric bushes. Albuquerque has a dearth of turmeric berries. And did you know that many migrant workers come every autumn to pick the tender, tumid, turmeric berries? Most of the berries are exported to India and Tibet, where big companies process the turmeric berries, and exploit the peasant workers. A small percentage of the processed turmeric is shipped back to the U.S.A. (this is called "outsourcing") where it sold by middlemen to companies like French's' and Heinz, i.e. America's mustard kings.

If you have a tumid foot, try dusting it with turmeric. The people in Tibet and India swear by it.

If you're from Mexico, or Tibet, or India, or California and looking for employment in Albuquerque this fall, make sure you bring your papers with you.

You sure don't want to end up in Arizona.