The Case of the Lascivious Lime

The Case of the Lascivious Lime

There are some very serious things going on in this world, but few of them more serious than the frightening and immoral plot by a German candy company, particularly its founder, Heir Hermann Haribo, to corrupt European children. I have to admit, it's an ingenious scheme. Who would have thought that children in Europe could be subverted and corrupted by such an innocent thing as candy.

OK, it's not so much the candy itself. Yes, I know candy promotes rotten teeth. And yes, I know it helps make children overweight. But a little candy never hurt a kid, did it? What's being a kid without a little candy.

Yes, until now, candy has been pretty good thing; so who would have thought some evil German genius would have devised such a sinister scheme using candy as a weapon of immorality?

(And how come so many evil geniuses are German, anyway?)

It seems the target of this evil plot appears to be kids in Great Britain. Why do the Germans always pick on the British? Brits are smart and you can't easily pull the wool over their eyes. So it appears Heir Hermann Haribo, a German candy magnate, and would-be child corrupter may have bitten off more than he can chew when he turned his evil candy plot against the Brits.

Always on the lookout for things immoral and prurient, an eagle-eyed Brit, by the name of Simon Simpkins (and no, I'm not making this up), was looking through his child's candy stash, the other day - probably looking to pilfer a piece for himself - when he came upon a couple of odd looking boxes of Moaom brand candy, produced by Heir Hermann Haribo himself.

Gosh! I'm so shocked, it's hard to write this.

Thank goodness for the British gentleman known as Simon Simpkins - without his sweet tooth and sharp eyes, who knows how many innocent children would have been seduced by the ribald raunchiness of Heir Haribo. I mean you have got to be sick to stick candy in pornographic boxes, right?

I'm sorry to say that, apparently, many children in Britain had already gone over to the dark, sick side, before our hero, Simon Simpkins unraveled Heir Haribo's sinister and evil plot to seduce the children of Europe, particularly the British children, using a very cute, but lascivious lime.

Mr. Simpkins, became outraged at the box of lemon-lime candies and went ballistic, tossing his kid's candy in the trash, and immediately writing London's "The Daily Mail" newspaper to express his outrage.

Mr. Simpkins, as pure and innocent a man as you'll find on this planet, correctly unraveled Heir Haribo's evil scheme. He could see, in an instant, that the lemon was a female and the lime was a male. You have to give him credit, I sure couldn't tell that when I saw it. If it had been left up to me, who knows how many British children would have succumbed to Heir Haribo's dirty, rotten plan to corrupt the children of Europe. And you know what they say: "Today Europe, tomorrow the world."

Anyway, Simpkins could clearly see that the lime was having way too much fun. I mean, take a look at the expression on that lime? Simon Simpkins wrote in his letter to "The Daily Mail", "The lime, whom (sic) I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face." Indeed he does! I can remember....

Wait, I'm getting off track - the candy box is corrupting me, I've thinking all kinds of prurient thoughts - but then, I'm soooo corruptible - but Hey! I'm no kid. Kids are innocent - so what kind of scumbag is Heir Haribo anyway? How could any man try to seduce little kids with evil, pornographic candy boxes? Good question, and one, no doubt cable TV networks will be chewing on it for weeks.

Heir Haribo didn't stop with titillating images of lemons and limes either. Emboldened by his success secretly subverting and titillating European, particularly British, youth, he introduced an equally pornographic box featuring Sherry and Mary Cherry (I assume) and good old Mr. Lime.

I am not one to see things that aren't there. I have never seen The Virgin Mary in a sweet potato, I've never seen a ghost, and I've never seen a UFO, but I can see that Mr. Lime is have way too much fun with those cherries. Look at the expression on Mr. Lime's face!

The world continues on its path to immorality and apparently, if Heir Hermann Hairbo has his way, not even the children will be spared the filthiest, basest, most vile things humankind has wrought upon this poor, sad Earth.

My gosh! Who'd have ever thought fruit could be so damned sexy? Mr. Simpkins, all of us moral Americans salute you. We hope the queen knights you. Then you could be my night in shining armor.

Mr. Simpkins: Thank you for saving our children from a very lewd and lascivious lime.

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