Good Morning, Class. My name is professor Thundercloud and I want to welcome you to Reading 101 - Understanding Sophistry". You might wonder what my qualifications are for teaching this class. A relevant topic- so let me jump right on that.

I am a graduate of UHK (University of Hard Knocks) and did my post graduate studies at TLL University (Tough Lessons Learned). I have a doctorate in Sophistry. Therefore, by virtue of my superb qualifications, I proclaim myself competent to teach this class. Indeed, I am a master of Sophistry.

I can recognize and understand Sophistry better than the average Joe :) And, trust me, class, there is no finer sophistry to be found than that in the twisted text of the EULA, Terms of Service, and Terms of Use belonging to spyware/adware (or other things that fall into a category we call "underware") programs produced and distributed by some of the most gifted Sophistrists that ever lived.

Indeed, some of my fellow PhDs in Sophistry have gone on to greater heights by honing their Sophocratic skills to absolute perfection. By adding law degrees to their PhDs in Sophistry they have gone on to become paragons in the wildly expanding field of Sophocratic writing. And, as we will see, class, Sophocratic writing is much in demand in the underware industry. In short, they're making big bucks in the underware industry whilst I make a teacher's salary. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

But fear not, students, for in this class I will teach you how to recognize and even understand Sophocratic writing. I will turn your skull full of mush into a lean, mean thinking machine - able to dissect any convoluted, twisted mass of prose that the underware people can throw at you. Hopefully, after you successfully complete this class, you will be able to serve and assist your fellows; educating them and enabling them to ferret out the truth in even the most ludicrous of Sophocratic documents. An educated consumer, is, after all, the underware industry's biggest fear. So, let us begin!

Part One - Obfuscation by Diffusion

In order to misdirect the perspective consumer and increase their comfort level, most underware companies begin with a phrase similar to: "Your privacy is important to us!" (That's Sophistry for "Getting you to download our software is important to us - We need the money!")

Here's an example:

"...Hotbar is committed to your privacy! Hotbar.com, Inc. ("Hotbar") is a licensee of the TRUSTe Privacy Program.  TRUSTe is an independent, non-profit organization whose mission is to build users' trust and confidence in the Internet by promoting the principles of fair information practices. This privacy statement covers the site (link removed to prevent censorship). Because this website wants to demonstrate its commitment to your privacy, it has agreed to disclose its information practices and have its privacy practices reviewed for compliance by TRUSTe. The TRUSTe program covers only information that is collected through this web site, and does not cover information that may be collected through software downloaded from the site. ..."  (You can read Hotbar's masterpiece of sophistry by visiting their site and clicking on "Privacy Policy" fairly well hidden at the bottom of the page).

Here we go. Now this little phrase is supposed to make feel comfortable, grab a glass of wine, put on your PJs and snuggle up in your easy-chair. And all because "TRUSTe" says it's cool. Right? Now, students, we must dig deeper! On the Internet, nothing is ever what it seems! Let's read this article on "TRUSTe" and see just how much one can trust TRUSTe shall we? And, please note the sentence above that ends with: "does not cover information that may be collected through software downloaded from this site....". It's a goodie! So, what would the average Joe be most concerned with? A box of cornflakes or software downloaded from this site? That's about how much sense that whole paragraph makes. The use of "TRUSTe" above gives you about as much protection as buying a car insurance policy that only covers your left-front hubcap. Sophistry is such a flexible tool! Can you see how excited this stuff makes me?

Part Two - Obfuscation by Slight-of-Word

One of the Internet's most prolific underware companies on the Internet is Gain (Gator, Claria, et.al.). They're a little more upfront about things these days. At least they don't ask you to trust TRUSTe. But they do use some a nifty bit of sophistry when they say Gain "offers some of the most popular software available on the Internet free of charge..." Hmmm. Does Gator ring a bell with any of you? Would you call it "popular" or "infamous"? What say you class? Would you rather be "popular" or "infamous". Isn't sophistry subtle? I love it! Just read the ooze below:

"....GAIN Publishing offers some of the most popular software available on the Internet free of charge ("GAIN-Supported Software") in exchange for your agreement to also install GAIN AdServer software ("GAIN"), which will display Pop-Up, Pop-Under, and other types of ads on your computer based on the information we collect as stated in this Privacy Statement. We refer to consumers who have GAIN on their system as "Subscribers." GAIN Is Designed to Collect and Use Non-Personal Information. GAIN collects certain non-personally identifiable information about your Web surfing and computer usage...."

Part Three - Obfuscation by Complex Convolution

(From Ask Jeeves/MyWay/FunWebProducts "Privacy Policy)

"...THIS PRODUCT IS NOT SPYWARE OR ADWARE. IT WILL NOT WATCH HOW YOU USE YOUR COMPUTER. IT WILL NOT DELIVER POP-UP ADS. ..."

"...WHAT FOLLOWS NEXT IS THE END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT WHICH IS THE FORMAL CONTRACT DESCRIBED ABOVE THAT OUR LAWYERS MAKE US INCLUDE. ...."

This is a one of my favorites! The above is such a juicy specimen. Let's take the "THIS PRODUCT IS NOT SPYWARE OR ADWARE"  part. Without getting into a dialectic discussion of adware, let's assume for a reasonable person, adware would be any program that displayed advertising while it is running that would not otherwise appear on your computer if you weren't running that software. Does that sound reasonable, class? Assuming that is true, then the statement "THIS PRODUCT IS NOT SPYWARE OR ADWARE" is not true based on this evidence http://thundercloud.net/infoave/funwebproducts/askjeeves-adware.gif . If that's not an ad showing up on the very program that Ask Jeeves says is not adware, I'll eat this Rant!

Ooooh and I love this! "...WHAT FOLLOWS NEXT IS THE END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT WHICH IS THE FORMAL CONTRACT DESCRIBED ABOVE THAT OUR LAWYERS MAKE US INCLUDE. ...."

Darn those lawyers! Does anyone really believe that lawyers were not the ones writing this in the first place? I think you can all see the sophistry here! And, just think, you've only been in class about ten minutes! Yes, Judy? Ah, yes, indeed, Judy, you're correct! The sophistry here is that since lawyers wrote this in the first place they are trying to convince you that they're going to force themselves to do something. < I chortle mightily > I'm sorry class, I love this stuff. Bear with me :)

Part Four - Obfuscation by Complex Convolution
Example 2

As you can see, an integral part of Sophistry is convolution. And the most prevalent use of Sophistry in obfuscation by convolution. The more convoluted something is the more difficult it will be to find the true meaning of a given document. And no one is more well aware of this than our friends in the underware industry.

I cite the following as an example. This comes from the MyWay Privacy Policy but this technique is used by almost all underware companies and questionable online services. Please note class, I have used red bold text for emphasis - the actual "privacy policy" does not add this emphasis, but the text is, indeed, verbatim from the cited privacy policy.

What does this mean. They don't collect any PII (Personally Identifiable Information) unless you "specifically" decide to give it to them? So what do they do with it then? The don't "collect" it. Do they throw it away? Or store it, but not collect it? Well, if I collect stamps, I would hope I would store them. If someone gives me a stamp, I've collected it haven't I? It goes in my collection of stamps and I'm going to store it, aren't I. Actually the paragraph above is brilliant. A very advanced Sophistrist wrote this, maybe even a former student of mine! I'd be proud. But, moving right along.