Spamming 101
A Course On Spamming Americans
First published on January 5, 2007 In InfoAve Premium #168

First, I want you to know, class, that I am very highly qualified to teach this class. My credentials are endless and I could ramble on and on about them. And I'd really like to, but time is of the essence. So, let me summarize by saying this:

• I received my bachelor's degree in 2002 after deleting approximately 2000 spam messages from my various mail accounts each month.
   

• I received my master's degree in 2004 after deleting approximately 5000 spam messages from my various email accounts each week.
   

• I received my doctorate in 2005 - summarily deleting nearly 1000 spam messages A DAY! from my various email accounts.

Indeed, if anyone knows poor spamming techniques, it's me, your professor; your mentor; your guide; your instructor; the one; the only; Professor Thundercloud. Note that I'm am sometimes assisted by that dark and shadowy specter known as "Eightball".

Yes, indeed class! My name is Professor Thundercloud and I'm going to teach you how to spam with the best of them! You'll be making millions when I'm through with you. Indeed, you'll go on to teach others how to spam and we'll create a world of competent and rich spammers!

Before we begin, put the translation headsets on so you can all understand me. I know most of you speak English as a second or third language and you'll have no idea what I'm saying if you don't wear the translation devices. You might not understand me even if you do - we have entire newsletter lists who all speak English and don't understand me. And, I'm sorry to say, we don't have any translation devices for them. And most of them think English is my fifth language at best. Hmmm...

Anyway... First, I assume (HOPE) most of you are enrolled in English 101. If you're not, you had better enroll today, right after class. Having some grasp of English (and I am acutely aware that many of my readers don't think I have even the slightest grasp of the English language) is essential to good spamming.

Today, we're going to cover one of the fundamentals of good spamming: A proper subject line. And we're going to cover other essentials of good spamming like, for instance, choosing a good "all-American" name. Both a good subject line, designed to capture the reader, and a good, old-fashioned all-American name, are prerequisites to good spamming, especially if you want to spam savvy Americans. This is particularly important if you want to spam Net savvy Americans and you haven't been born and bred in the U.S.A., U.K., Australia, New Zealand, or some other country where English is the primary language. And where, for the most part, even in today's politically correct climate, English is still spoken almost everywhere.  <That sentence ought to send the English majors reeling!>

All of you are rank amateur spammers and most of you are certainly not American. As most of you grudgingly admit, English is not your first language. But, if you're going to be spamming Americans - then you're already starting off behind the eight ball (no offense, Eightball). That's another good reason you really need to pay attention in this class!

¿Entender? أفهم؟ Понимать? 이해하는가? 理解しなさいか。Comprendre ?

Boy! It's a small world after all! Which reminds me! Let's take a break and join together in singing "It's A Small World After All". OK class? Let's join hands and sing along with Thundercloud....

Sorry you need Windows Media Player to sing along with us!
(Press the play button!)

"It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

There is just one moon
And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to ev'ryone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world."

That was fantastic, students! At least you sing GREAT ENGLISH!

Now back to work! I can tell you that without this course, your spam emails will be deleted by the millions. Why? Because, from the examples you have submitted to me, you're using subject lines that would not interest a dying badger - let alone a thinking, breathing, American. So, unless you consider your main audience to be diseased or dying badgers, I suggest you listen up.

Ah hem!  Mr. Kezbulah? Are you listening?

It's true that some Americans, brand new to the Internet, will be so happy to get an email, ANY email, that they'll open it up right away no matter what the subject line is or who it's from. Most new people on the Internet don't get much email the first few days they're on the Web and they'll love anything anyone sends them. But, these are the few, the deficient, the newbies. They won't be newbies long. So don't count on them for your primary audience. You'll go broke and end up cooking elephant ears in some traveling circus. You don't want that and I don't want that either. After all, that would make me look bad and I already look bad enough!

Here we go then. Open your eyes and ears and learn!

I've always thought that the best way for people to learn was by example. Since I've received literally millions of spam emails in my life, I want to share some examples of subject lines of emails that wouldn't entice even a lonely, pregnant antelope to open it.

Here's one from "Sal MUNIZ" <orbofxbov@deacons.com.hk>. First of all, almost no one is going to know anyone named "Sal Muniz". And using a fake email address that ends in "hk" (Hong Kong) isn't going to impress anyone in the good, ol' U.S. of A.  Neither is an email address that starts off with orbofxbov. No one but those of higher intellectual capacity (like yours truly) even knows what the heck an "orbofxbov" is. So listen up and learn!

Don't use names like "Sal Muniz". It's not very American and it's not a name anyone is going to be interested in. I suggest you use a name like "Ted" or "Bob" or "Tim" or "Jason" or "Brian". It's American and it's common. A good name to use is "Bob Smith". Almost everyone knows a "Bob Smith". If if you live in Lower Slobovia, you probably know a "Bob Smith". Almost no one knows anyone named "Sal Muniz". It is especially difficult to locate females named Sal Muniz. If people see an email from "Sal Muniz" there is a 99.999994% chance they are going to delete it.

Secondly, let's look at the subject line "Sal" chose: "RE: I found the jackpot!". Oh, really? Is that right, Sal? Unfortunately, "Sal" whoever he is, doesn't have a clue about spamming. Let's take a closer look at the subject line that "Sal" uses.

First of all, class, let's get down to basics. "RE" in a subject line, means "Reply". Now, apparently Sal doesn't know it, but in order for an email to have the subject line RE: I found the jackpot!, I would have had to write old Sal a message with the subject line "I found the jackpot!" which I didn't. Even though my brain cells are numb and aging, I'm sure that in the 500,000 emails I've written in my life, I've never once used "I found the jackpot!" in the subject line of even one of those half-million emails. I'm certain of it. And as certain as I am of that, I'm even more certain that I've never written even a single email to anyone named "Sal Muniz", or anyone in the Muniz family: male or female.

Sal, Sal, Sal! No one "finds" a jackpot. They "win" a jackpot. Be American. Think American, Sal! If you're going to spam Americans, at least sound American. Take a course in English! See, Sal, you should have listened to your mama when she told you to pay attention in school. You've tried everything else and failed, and if you don't shape up you're going to be a failed spammer. Nothing is worse than being a failed spammer, except maybe being the coach of the Cleveland Browns!

Well, most of you are smart enough, I think, to know what I did with poor "Sal's" email. I deleted it. Yes, Abdullah? What was in the email? Is it really that important to you? OK, it was spam email advertising fake Rolex watches. Abdullah, you didn't really, did you? Well, fake Rolex emails are best served up BEFORE Christmas, Abdullah. Not AFTER. You have a lot to learn!

Now, back to the "subject" at hand, pardon my pun. It is obvious to me and will be to you that Sal is a rank amateur. He is wasting his time and might be better off to try his hand at phishing or working, heaven forbid, for a living.

Let's look at another wannabe spammer. This one comes from "Grace" who is using the mysterious, yet somewhat probable, email address of willy326sheila@-.com. (Sorry, for those of you reading this course online, the domain was removed to protect the innocent).

Unfortunately, Grace commits an error here. Note that Willy326 and Sheila, do not include "Grace" in their email address. Obviously, Willy and Sheila are going to be very upset when they find out that Grace has
been harvesting email addresses and poor Willy and Sheila's is being used to send spam. So, first of all, don't use real email addresses! This increases your chances of getting caught and upsets innocent people. Sometimes innocent people who are upset can cause you a lot of problems especially if their up-to-snuff on the Internet and know how to read email headers. Willy and Sheila might be upset enough to track down "Grace" and have her/him disgraced (pardon my pun).

Furthermore, you can make up email addresses and all it takes is a little creativity. You all have a little creative streak, don't you? So, a good rule to remember: Never use real email addresses. Make up good ones, ones that are believable. If you're going to use a name like "Bob Smith" (highly recommended) then use an email address like bob.smith@milliondollarbaby.com or something like that. The possibilities are endless. Yes, Moriah? Another example? OK. Let's say you use the name "Martha Jones". then how about using the email address marthajones52@hunkaburninlove.com ? I'm such a genius! Yes, Moriah? Yes, please do. Yes you may use that. But you really ought to be creative enough to come up with dozens of your own.

Now back to "Grace". Her subject line is "Audemars Piguet". Now, I'm a common man, and I didn't know, without looking it up, what the heck an Audemars Piguet was. For those of you who make under $500,000.00 a year, that is a famous(?) and expensive "Swiss Time Piece" or "watch" in the common vernacular.

Grace has sent out millions of these spams, using a real email address (not hers) and is trying to hit an exclusive target. Those making over $500,000.00 are rare. It's basically a limited group which is composed mainly of sports stars, CEO's, and successful spammers. Unfortunately, none of you are in that class, yet, that's why you're in this one. Pardon my play on words, I'm sure most of you didn't get it. So, moving right along.

Let's look at one more pathetic case of a spammer who apparently has no concept of proper English (and dear reader, please don't write me and tell me I don't either. I'm painfully aware of it. I've been reminded too many times already :) ). His name, he would like us to think is "Lucas". Poor choice. I don't know anyone named Lucas. He should've stuck with Bob Smith.

Lucas chose the following subject line to entice me to open his email. Let it be known, that if not for this class I would have never bothered to open it - it would have gone right into the rubbish with the other 5000 spam emails I received this morning. The subject line of his email was: "Test the sweets of the life yourself". Obviously, Lucas is not from the USA or maybe he is. Wherever dear Lucas is from, his grasp of the English language is tenuous at best - or perhaps he is simply way beyond me. Whatever the case "Test the sweets of the life yourself" makes no sense to me. At first I thought perhaps Lucas was selling Valentine's goodies or perhaps he had stumbled upon some low prices on cases of artificial sweetener. But, no, the truth be told, was advertising some drugs for older gentlemen, the names of which I won't go into here. Most of you can guess at least one of them. Niagara Falls ring any bells?

Well, Lucas, your subject line won't get many savvy people to open it. You might get a couple of diseased badgers to fall for it though. But, alas, most will look at your subject line of "Test the sweets of the life yourself" and go "HUH?". I think you meant to say "Taste the sweetness of life, yourself!" but I cannot tell. The body of your message was nothing but an advertisement for three, well known, older gentleman-type drugs. I don't think "Test the sweets of the life yourself" is going to hook many - especially the more savvy.

And one more thing Lucas, my pathetic spammer friend, the email address you used, while obviously something you dreamed up, isn't the kind of email address anyone would ever believe is real. Come on, Lucas! The email address "clearlyonyourside.com@undergroundvintage.com" is not even in proper format. You see you don't have a domain@a-domain. You have a name, nickname, or something reasonably believable before the @ symbol.

Lucas needs to take a course in English and then a basic course in computers. One thing for certain, Lucas isn't going to be buying an Audemars Piguet anytime in the near future. He'll be lucky if he can afford to buy a can of Wal-mart beans on sale. If he chose spamming as an occupation, he'll be flipping burgers at McDonald's in Budapest soon. I'll betcha! One does have to pay one's rent.

One more? OK. Here's one from "Bacon" (Obviously not from Israel or anywhere in the Middle East!). I won't even comment on the name "Bacon". I don't think anyone knows anyone with that name. That's strike one. Strike two? Bacon's subject line. It's even worse than "Bacon". It was "despite having Christmas in the Shoebox Apartment". I don't know about you, but that subject line really makes me want to open Bacon's mail. NOT! Anyone in this class (if you do celebrate Christmas) have your Christmas in a "shoebox Apartment"? If you did, would admit it? What is a "Shoebox Apartment" anyway?

Look, class. If you're going to spam Americans, you're going to have sound at least somewhat American. You're going to need an American name - like Bob Smith, not "Bacon" and you're going to need a good, solid American subject line to entice folks to open your email so the spam inside can spilleth out. (And by-the-way, Bacon was trying to entice me to buy "Wild Brush Energy". Never heard of it - don't think I'd buy it even for a nickel a share :) ).

And then there was another wannabe spammer who claims the name of "Ella". Ella, bless her, wants to be a spammer so bad she can taste it. Unfortunately, there aren't many people living in whatever country she comes from, so she's trying spam Americans but doesn't have a clue. Here's her subject line "Tired with prescriptions? There is way out!". Now, my English is not perfect, but you have to admit it's much better than Ella's!

Now class, open your handbooks and turn to Chapter 3, page 17. Note that I have some examples of good, solid American/British names you can use. And on page 18, you'll find some subject lines to use that are sure to hook the prospective customer.


Names To Use
If you want to spam America, you need to seem American!

Want to be a man? Cool!

Bob Smith
Bill Jones
Tom Gordon
Larry Kennedy
Adam West (this is a good one!)
Michael Myers (hah! hah! - a little inside joke!)

Want to be a lady? Cool!

Mary Smith
Sarah Jones
Brenda Gordon
Linda Kennedy
Debbie Myers
Paris Hilton (hah! hah! This is a joke, don't use this one!)


Suggested Subject Lines:

I saw you at the mall. Did you know you were wearing two different shoes?

I saw you at Wal-mart. What was that thing hanging off your face?

Just forget about that $50.00 you owe me. Obviously you can't afford it.

I saw you at Best Buy. Were you REALLY shoplifting?

Remember when you were sick? I think I've got it now!

I saw you getting your flu shot at Wal-Mart. Did it make you sick too?

You didn't eat that lettuce you bought at Wal-mart, did you?

Are you still drinking Diet Pepsi? Wait until you read this!

Who did your facelift?

Wasn't it terrible about him getting arrested?

Wasn't it awful about her getting arrested?

Did you know she just had a nose job?

Did you know he just had a nose job?

Did you know she was cheating on you?

Did you know he was cheating on you?

I saw you in church Sunday. Did you know you left the price tag on your coat?

I just won the lottery and just wanted you to know I'll be out-of-town for a few weeks.

I spent a terrible night in jail. They mistook me for someone else!

I fell in love with my doctor!

My doctor fell in love with me!

I saw you in K-mart the other day. I didn't know you had a sinus problem!

I saw you in Wal-mart the other day. I didn't know you had a bladder problem!

I know who hit your car in the parking lot.

She sure got fat!

He sure got fat!

Your wife sure got fat!

Your husband sure got fat!

I saw you in the grocery store. I couldn't believe it was you!

Have you been ill?

I can think of hundreds more that would absolutely interest any red-blooded American. But that's enough for now. Besides you only paid $1500.00 for this course, and I'm not giving away ALL my good ones! But these are great subject lines. Trust me - they'll get results! I'd suggest you copy and paste them in your email subject lines - don't try to type them in. And don't EVER put "RE:" in front of any of these subject lines. Put them in exactly as shown!

As you begin your careers in spamming, you may want to use some of my suggested subject lines. These will get your started and increase the chances that your targets will open the spam you send them. You'll find that the ones with "Wal-mart" in them, work best. Americans love Wal-mart. But don't combine the Wal-mart subject line with spam about Audemars Piguet time pieces. I don't think even Sam Walton himself would have known what one of those is and they sure don't sell them at Wal-mart. I was just there yesterday and Timex was the "watch du jour".

Yes, Abdullah? Oh, Sam Walton? Well he was the star of "The Walton's" TV series. It's only available on those "classic" TV channels and only in the good, ol' U.S. of A.

You can pick up your BS (Bachelor of Spam) degree from the Dean's office anytime after 3:00 PM today. Thanks for attending my class, good luck with your spamming career, and have a wonderful flight back to wherever it is that you came from!

OH! And one more thing! For those of you who have nothing to do this afternoon, you're welcome to stick around for my next class "Philosophy 101", where we will ponder the ponderous philosophical question: "Does every room have a door or does every door have a room?" There is no extra charge to you if you decide to attend my Philosophy class. It's apocryphal and therefore free :-) .

Class dismissed!

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