I'm running
for president. I'll be honest with you; I am running because I
need the money. And I'd love to live in a really big, white
house with a really good chef. I would love lots of people
running around waiting on me, too. It would be like living in a
fancy restaurant without having to leave a really fancy tip. I'd
love it.
I'm dreaming of the $300,000.00 salary and drooling over the
private jet, helicopters, and the hot, hand-picked female
chauffeur. I really want this. I would do almost anything to get
it. One problem though - I have no money and no support.
Short of winning the lottery, I don't see myself ever making
that much money in a year - and I certainly will never have any
of those other perquisites the way I'm going. Not even the hot
female chauffeur. Darn it.
So that's why I'm here begging you for help - there are two
things you can to do to help me:
1. Donate lots of money to me. If you do I promise I'll squander
it.
2. Let me fix America my way.
Don't do number one. If you're that crazy, find a good charity
and donate your money to them. I'll just waste it.
Number two is interesting. I will be a sweet deal for you. It
will be an even sweeter deal for me. A win-win situation. I'll
be collecting a cool $300 grand a year, riding around on Air
Force One, bopping to and fro in my own helicopter - plus I'll
have my hand-picked chauffeur "Amber" drive me wherever I want
to go - even crazy.
Better yet, I'll bring new ideas to Washington.
I have no idea how the government works. None of us know how it
works because it doesn't work - it's broken...duh!
I will fix it if you elect me. I want to ride around in
limousines, helicopters, and big jets - at your expense. I want
it so bad that I'd do anything to get it. Unlike the other
candidates, I'm honest. I admit it.
I'll be the president of love. I'll be the president you'll
write love letters to. I'll be the most loved president in
history, not only by you, my fellow citizens, but by everyone in
all countries of the world.
Here are my policies on some major issues that concern you:
Illegal Immigrants
We'll relocate citizens in Pittsburgh and Toledo, and wall them
off from the rest of the country. We'll turn these two cities
into internment camps for illegal aliens. Once the word spreads
to the illegals that they'll be sent to Toledo or Pittsburgh if
they're caught, you can bet that they'll be no more Mexicans
pouring across our borders illegally. Who wants to be sent to
Pittsburgh or Toledo? Think about it! Problem solved.
Foreign Policy
I do believe in the doctrine "if you're not for us, you're
against us" as callow as that seems. Therefore, as soon as I
assume the office of President of the United States, I will
request that every leader of every country that wishes to be on
our side, write a love letter to me telling me how much the love
me and how they'd do anything for me that I asked. They'd have
to deliver the letter to me in person and read it out loud to
me. If I thought they were sincere, I'd accept their letter and
their love and I'd put them on the "allies" list.
For those countries whose leaders choose not to do this, I
hesitate to say what would happen. I would ask them to remember
that we still a very large arsenal of nuclear weapon. Enough
said.
If any foreign leader needs help writing the letter, I will make
available to them a standard love letter they can use. All they
need to do is sign it, come over here and read it to me, I'll
judge their sincerity, and if I find them sincere, they're in.
If not, see above.
Love me or else.
The Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan
See "Foreign Policy" above.
Terrorism
All you need is love, people. Terrorist leaders would fall under
the same category as world leaders - although it pains me to
have to lump them all together like this. I would have a form
letter prepared for them in both Arabic and English they can
sign and deliver to me in person. All terrorists must learn to
speak English I have no desire to learn to read, write or speak
Arabic.
A word to potential terrorists. If you attack us, we'll find out
what country you came from and that country will be used for the
internment of our illegal immigrants, instead of Toledo or
Pittsburgh - or if those two cities become too crowded - in
addition to them.
This would all take place, after of course, we've followed we've
implemented our foreign policy doctrine. I'll make a copy of it
available to you as soon as I have written it. You would want to
pay particular attention to the section entitled "Enemies of the
United States", subsection "Those who have not yet delivered
their love letter to the President".
Taxes
Forget rebates and tax cuts. The day I take the oath of office
is the day you stop paying ANY federal income tax or social
security tax.
I will sign an executive order legalizing drugs, prostitution,
and gambling and federalize them all. Government run gambling
joints, brothels, and "drug stores" will be built - by those
currently on welfare - in every town with a population of 30,000
or more.
Drugs, prostitution, and gambling will be taxed at whatever rate
we need and the revenue used to fund the federal government and
social security. They way I figure, we'll still have money left
over to fund, universal health care for all Americans.
We'll all living off the vices of others. You'll all be singing
"Vice is nice" !
For those of you who are against vices, let me remind you that
all the above (to varying degrees) are illegal now and those who
choose to partake of them do so whenever they wish. I'm not
promoting vice, I'm just being realistic and honest. It's time
we admitted the world is not heaven, we are not angels, and the
government might as well skim some money from it. Why not? You
don't want to pay taxes, I don't want to pay taxes, and now you
won't have to pay taxes.
You love me, don't you?
Health Care
See "Taxes"
Energy and the Environment
I don't believe in global warming. I don't believe we need to
worry about it. Then again, there's no sense in mucking up the
air we breathe, the water we drink, or the land we live on, is
there? If you have any logical reasons why we should pour junk
into the air and garbage into our water, let me know - I'll take
a look at your logic.
For now, I believe in clean air, clean water, and lots of trees
and rainforests. It only makes sense. It's logical.
We also need to stop burning oil and coal. Therefore, I am going
to start a new project called "Clean and Green" and it will be
lead by the world's leading scientists. We will fund it with all
the money we're making from vice - and it will be the most
intensive project since the Manhattan Project. If we can build a
nuke in less than 2 years, we can find viable alternatives to
oil and coal in less than five years.
My promise: We won't need anymore foreign oil by 2012. We won't
need to scrape the earth for coal either. We'll use hydrogen,
ethanol, hydro, wind and solar, maybe even nuclear power - but
no more oil, natural gas or coal. I'll personally tell those
Middle Eastern leaders what they can do with their oil - and
I'll do it on national TV so you can all hear me say it. I
guarantee you, what I say to them will be something no President
has ever said on TV before. I'll have to bite my lip to keep
from snickering - but you can snicker if you like. It will be a
great day for the U.S.A.!
Other Stuff
I have more ideas, but I'm running out of time. By now you
really love me don't you?
I'd love hobnobbing with the all those smug world leaders. I'd
still never comb my hair. I'd belch at big expensive state
dinners, blow my nose at the table while sitting across from
Princess Amirda from Bostipul - heck I'd just be the general,
all-around slob I have always been.
I'll answer any questions you have honestly - brutally so. If
you don't like my answer - that's tough. I'll call a spade a
spade and it if hurts someone's feelings - too bad. If you're
short, you're short. If you're fat, you're fat. If you're
stupid, you're stupid. I didn't make the world, I live in it
just like you.
America's a mess. George and Thomas would be turning over in
their graves if they were living today.
Most other countries don't like us - especially France. They say
we're slobs. If the French think we are slobs now wait until
they get a whiff of me. When I'm your President, they'll love me
or else!
We've spent too much money that we don't have. When I'm your
President, you'll pay no taxes and we'll be spending all the
money we want and still have a lot left to spend. We'll be awash
in money provided to us by all those fine, fun-loving sinners.
The only candidate who has no governmental experience at all is
me. And when it comes to government experience - less is better.
I don't know how government works but I sure now how it
shouldn't work.
You hear politicians tell you that they'll put you first - what
a crock! If they could put you first why haven't they done it?
The only time you'll ever be first is right before an election
or if you love me. If you love me I will love you - all you need
is love!
You'll hear them tell you that government is broken and they can
fix it. At least one part of that statement is true. Government
is broken. If they can fix it, why haven't they done it? Some of
them have been hanging around the U. S. Senate for years. Why
would they really want to fix it? These people are doing well.
Do you know a poor senator? They'll never fix government because
while it works really well for politicians - it just doesn't
work for the people.
You say you're not from America? Who cares? America's going to
take over the world eventually anyway. But I promise you, if I'm
elected, and your country's leader writes me a really smarmy
love letter, I promise I will leave your country alone. So, even
if you're not from America, your questions are welcome. When I
come up for re-election in four years, I'll see to it that the
whole world can vote for me - your vote would be appreciated.
I want the glory. I want the power. I want the money. I want the
chauffeur, I want to live in the White House with lots of
minions around me. I want jets, helicopters, and limousines.
With your help I can do this! And you will love me!
All you need is love! All you need is me!
