Happy first day of winter
Happy first day of winter. Yes, it is the infamous winter solstice
you've heard so much about. This is the day in history when teenage
pagans used to run amok killing fatted calves, chasing and
frolicking with young maidens, and sacrificing ugly, old ones.
On this day, in particular, I am thankful I am not a young maiden,
and exceptionally glad I am not a fatted calf or an ugly, old
On winter solstice night, under the cover of darkness, teenagers
used to run through the cobblestone streets wearing black robes and
flip-flops, carrying flaming torches and scaring the hell out of
common folk with their ribald revelry. The bellowing of the fatted
calves, the giggling of young maidens, the screeches of the old
maidens, and the clatter of Ralph Lauren flip-flops made for a noisy
night; it was impossible for the decent, common folk to get any
The older pagans used to sit around in taverns drinking pints of ale
and bitters talking about teenagers. "What is this world coming to?"
they'd ask sort of rhetorically. Obviously, no one knew. "What is
wrong with the youth these days?" said Betty Burka, a famous
bridge-playing matron, known for her rhetorical questions and large,
black shoes. The world was surely headed for ruination and the
pagans were the first to notice - but certainly not the last.
"Look at those fair, young maidens wearing flip-flops in the snow!"
observed one obese, older gentlemen who sat bleary-eyed and belching
from too much bittered ale and Irish whiskey. "Yeh!" said the other
fat gentleman, curious. He may well have had a foot fetish because
he left the tavern with a so much alacrity the other patrons
couldn't help but take notice. Foot fetishes were high crimes and
misdemeanors in pagan times and rushing out of a tavern to watch
fair maidens prance in the snow in flip-flops was a potential
warning sign of a good man gone wild.
All the decent pagans laid low under straw mattresses discarded
poultry feathers waiting for the bell tower clock to strike midnight
and bring an end to the madness.
Pagans, in those days, had no Christmas, hence the pagan teens did
not have a Christmas break at their schools. So most of the
teenagers, except those who had dropped out to help their families
make ale and bitters (which was, as you know, in high demand),
needed to get
some rest so the crusty, old, school marms could have their way with
them at the crack of dawn in the unheated schools made of straw and
Today many of these pagan traditions live on. But, in modern times,
did you know pagans celebrate Christmas almost more than any other
non-religion? Teenagers still run amok, but fatted calves and old
maidens are protected in our politically correct society as is the
Slobovian tree sloth. And, of course, young maidens still wear
flip-flops in the snow and perhaps more than even in pagan times,
they enjoy being chased by hormonally-charged, pimply-faced boys.
And, people still scratch their heads and ask, "What the hell is
wrong with kids these days?"
Happy first day of winter.
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