Winter

Happy first day of winter

Happy first day of winter. Yes, it is the infamous winter solstice you've heard so much about. This is the day in history when teenage pagans used to run amok killing fatted calves, chasing and frolicking with young maidens, and sacrificing ugly, old ones.

On this day, in particular, I am thankful I am not a young maiden, and exceptionally glad I am not a fatted calf or an ugly, old maiden.

On winter solstice night, under the cover of darkness, teenagers used to run through the cobblestone streets wearing black robes and flip-flops, carrying flaming torches and scaring the hell out of common folk with their ribald revelry. The bellowing of the fatted calves, the giggling of young maidens, the screeches of the old maidens, and the clatter of Ralph Lauren flip-flops made for a noisy night; it was impossible for the decent, common folk to get any rest.

The older pagans used to sit around in taverns drinking pints of ale and bitters talking about teenagers. "What is this world coming to?" they'd ask sort of rhetorically. Obviously, no one knew. "What is wrong with the youth these days?" said Betty Burka, a famous bridge-playing matron, known for her rhetorical questions and large, black shoes. The world was surely headed for ruination and the pagans were the first to notice - but certainly not the last.

"Look at those fair, young maidens wearing flip-flops in the snow!" observed one obese, older gentlemen who sat bleary-eyed and belching from too much bittered ale and Irish whiskey. "Yeh!" said the other fat gentleman, curious. He may well have had a foot fetish because he left the tavern with a so much alacrity the other patrons couldn't help but take notice. Foot fetishes were high crimes and misdemeanors in pagan times and rushing out of a tavern to watch fair maidens prance in the snow in flip-flops was a potential warning sign of a good man gone wild.

All the decent pagans laid low under straw mattresses discarded poultry feathers waiting for the bell tower clock to strike midnight and bring an end to the madness.

Pagans, in those days, had no Christmas, hence the pagan teens did not have a Christmas break at their schools. So most of the teenagers, except those who had dropped out to help their families make ale and bitters (which was, as you know, in high demand), needed to get
some rest so the crusty, old, school marms could have their way with them at the crack of dawn in the unheated schools made of straw and mud.

Today many of these pagan traditions live on. But, in modern times, did you know pagans celebrate Christmas almost more than any other non-religion? Teenagers still run amok, but fatted calves and old maidens are protected in our politically correct society as is the Slobovian tree sloth. And, of course, young maidens still wear flip-flops in the snow and perhaps more than even in pagan times, they enjoy being chased by hormonally-charged, pimply-faced boys.

And, people still scratch their heads and ask, "What the hell is wrong with kids these days?"

Happy first day of winter.

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