My fellow citizens of the world:
As I promised you last November when I announced my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America, I am issuing this state of the candidate report. My trip across the country on horseback draws near and I'm still looking for food and shelter along the way. So if you have room for Earl and I, and can provide weird and exotic foods for us, let me know.
I know that many of you have been losing sleep over the lack of news from my 2008 presidential campaign headquarters. But my staff (EB) quit, leaving me in a bind. I'm typing this myself so bear with me.
First things first. I know that some of you are worried that Barack Obama might be stealing some of my thunder (no pun intended). But, let me say this about that: Barack does not have any plans to travel the country on horseback to meet all you fine folks up close and personal. And even if he did, he doesn't have Earl.
I've looked at the progress our country has made since last I wrote to you (that was in November 2006 in case you forgot).
Here's the good, the bad, and the really ugly:
We still don't have any kind of health care for those not covered by expensive insurance policies which the self-employed, unemployed and under-employed can't afford.
Chrysler and Ford are on shaky financial footing and GM is trying to reduce the amount of compensation it is paying to its retired folks. Toyota is now bigger than GM. The United States is still, however, bigger than Japan. There's some talk about California succeeding from the union, but even if they do, the U.S.A. will still be bigger than Japan. Still it kind of sticks in people's craw that Toyota sells more cars than GM. A quick look at Consumer Reports tells you all you need to know about that. I think something like 16 of the top 20 highest-rated (for quality) cars were Toyotas or Hondas. I think there is a lesson there somewhere for GM. Wake up, America! (Apologies to Earl Pitts).
As far as California succeeding from the Union, we'll see about that, Arnold. We don't need your stinkin' avocadoes. But we do need your almonds. So, if I am elected president, I will name you, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, as my Secretary Of Fruits and Vegetables (you need five a day you know). You can count on it.
I'm flip-flopping on whether to say this or not, since I hate controversy. But, I will. We're still in a war in Iraq with no end in sight. And, regardless of whether you're pro-war or anti-war, we have to support the brave young men and women who are putting their lives in harm's way everyday. Being the good politician that I am, I will not tell you (yet) what I would do about that war if I were president. It's too early to be letting all my cats out of the bag. I don't want to make either side angry with me yet. I think I'll sit on the fence for now.
The news is saturated these days. The pro-gun and anti-gun groups are fighting over whether we should repeal the second amendment (for those who aren't big on these kinds of things, the second amendment is the one that deals with the right to bear arms; or whether the framers of the U.S. Constitution really meant we should all be able to carry AK-47 assault rifles and machine guns around in our cars. Our founding fathers were not the verbose sort, here's the entire second amendment: "A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."
I am not sure how I would lean on this issue. I think I'd ban all guns except muskets. Perhaps I'd sign an executive order that muskets be issued to every American over 21.
Huh? Yes muskets. You know. The old-fashioned rifles you pour gunpowder into then pack it down with a ramrod - the ones that shoot the little iron balls. It takes a couple minutes to load and fire the things. Maybe this extra time would give the maniacs some time to think things over before they shoot. You think? I think that's a good idea. Muskets for every American. I'll keep that in mind. After all, that's the kind of guns they had when the constitution was written. It's probably what Ben Franklin and cronies had in mind.
If any of you want to start a musket factory, now would be a good time, If you don't know anything about muskets but want to learn how to make them see www.muskets.org (really!). I'm sure muskets would deter road rage among other things.
Can you imagine a robber walking into a convenience store with a musket and methodically pouring the gunpowder down the barrel, packing it down with a ramrod, and putting a little iron ball in it - all the while the clerk watched? I mean can anyone say "run out the door brother"? I have a warped sense of humor. I'm sorry. Are you sure you want me to be president? (Maybe they used lead balls?)
I see a couple of senators want to impeach George W. Bush. Like the good politician I am, I'm not going to make a comment on that. But, it seems to me that if we impeach President Bush, that makes two presidents in a row. All this sort of makes me uneasy. I don't want to be impeached. "Impeach" sounds like something very painful. I'm not big on pain. Most people think "impeached" means to be removed from office. That's not true. Impeachment is the first of two stages in a specific process for a legislative body to remove a government official (i.e. a president). The second stage is called conviction. Just because you're impeached it doesn't mean you're going to be convicted. Bill Clinton was impeached. Andrew Jackson was impeached. Some senators want to impeach George W. Bush, luckily for George they're running of of time. I think you're already thinking about impeaching me. Why do I think that? Do you think I have a complex. Maybe too unstable to be your president? Oh come on. Take a look at some of the presidents we've had. I'm a rock compared to some of them.
Anyway, impeaching too many guys (and maybe gals) looks bad for our country. It looks like we don't really know what we're doing when we go to the polls. And, maybe this is true because maybe it's so hard to wade through the guano the politicians throw at us that we really never know the real truth until it's too late.
And it looks really, really bad when we impeach people but don't convict them. Then it looks like political maneuvering. Doesn't it?
Whatever happened to Honest Abe? He's probably turning over in his grave by now. How did we let the truth become the exception and prevarication to become the rule. Many people think all politicians are crooks. But wait, I aspire to be a politician.
Speaking of politicians, have you ever seen the parties they hold for retiring government officials, senators, congressmen, and the like. They go on and on and on about these dedicated "public servants" and how they've spent their lives serving the public and their constituents.
One night, whilst they lavished such praise on a certain local "public servant", I was in the midst of eating a lovely Lean Cuisine (don't laugh!) frozen dinner (280 calories, folks). On a local TV station, they were lavishing all kinds of oozing praise on some portly, aging, bald guy. They went on and on and on about how this wonderful man, husband, father, and grandfather, had sacrificed so much of his life for his constituents, They yammered on about how he had served the public for the last forty-some years. I laughed so hard I could hardly eat my gourmet dinner. This guy made millions while on the public payroll. I don't recall anything he ever did that was in my interest, but I can think of dozens of things he did that were his interest. That's why he's driving a Lexus SUV and his wife has a BMW convertible and I have a horse named Earl.
I figure there are lots of people out there who eat this sort of thing up - people who actually believe all of this tripe, otherwise they wouldn't be wasting their time making this guy look like a saint. One thing, I'm sure of: A saint he ain't.
Anyway, not much else going on here at the BLT campaign headquarters. We'll be traveling across the country this summer, Earl and I. We're looking for places to sleep and eat (hint).
I must warn you though, I'm a slob. I love to drink milk right out of the container straight from the fridge. It's the best way to drink milk. I do the same with orange juice. Right out of the carton - if you've never drank from a carton you don't know what you're missing.
I sop up gravy with bread, slurp soup (and coffee), and drop crumbs of food all over the floor. I traipse through the house with muddy shoes, because I forget to wipe my feet. I've been known to stand at the kitchen counter with spoon in hand and alternate between the jelly jar and peanut butter jar, taking a spoonful of each and mixing it in my mouth. It's sooo good! Then I take a big swig of ice cold milk right out of the jug to wash down the delicious gooey mass.
All in all I'm your average slob. I'm the kind of guy you need in the White House. I'd make a good public servant (ha! ha!) wouldn't I, Earl?
My tour of America starts July 4, 2007. Earl's been resting up all winter and both of us are gearing up for our big campaign kick-off trip. We'll be in your town sometime during the summer and we will be looking forward to meeting all of you. Really!
Don't forget, if you want me to stay with you, you will need to supply at least the following items: Jif Peanut Butter, Organic Strawberry Jam, a large soup spoon and a gallon of organic 1% milk. Wake up, America! You need a slob like me in the White House. A more common man there could not be. Pretentious I am not.
My next state of the campaign address will be coming up this summer during our trek across the amber waves of grain and the purple mountain's majesty. Maybe, if you're really lucky, I'll be typing my report on your computer...maybe :)
I'll be passing out campaign buttons, trinkets, and other sundry paraphernalia during my tour. Earl and I will also be signing autographs. Many of you will make a fortune selling whatever memorabilia I leave behind during my campaign-on-horseback. I just want you to know, it's all right by me. I hope you make a killing.
ˇAdiós Amigos! Au revoir Amis ! Vaarwel vrienden! Arrivederci amici! Auf Wiedersehen Freunde!
So long for now!
Braylan Lincoln Thundercloud & Earl.
Have a comment? Have a question for BLT or Earl? Please
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