I've come to the point in my life where my brain is losing cells faster than my body can replace them. This leaves me particularly vulnerable to falling in love with strange things like watching "House" and reading spam. I find myself waking up in the morning and rushing to the computer (not even stopping by the coffee pot first) to see how much spam arrived over night. I am never disappointed. One thing I can count on, is oodles of spam and I've learned to love it so much!
Now, I know, you're sitting there reading this in a state of disbelief! Horrified. Some of you might even be gaping aghast. I am aware that you are thinking what a pathetic man I am. You're thinking that I'm so hard-up for entertainment that I've taken to watching "House" and reading subject lines from spam, just to get my jollies. But, think what you want! As my brain cells continue to rot at an ever-increasing pace, I am sure I will only get worse. And I am horribly aware that I might end up to be a babbling, drooling, old, loony maniac. But, let me tell those of you who think that's what I am already - I just checked and there is not a drop of drool on my keyboard - and my t-shirt is not on backwards this morning. So, there! Today, at least, I am in perfect, working order.
Fun With Spam 101
One of the most fun things to do with spam is to read the subject lines, and if you have the stomach for it, to read the email itself. Many of your have weak stomachs or are the products of sterile, protected, childhoods, which prohibits you from reading spam content. But for those of you who share my wild, youth, and days of playing in a rock and roll band, nothing is too bizarre or weird. So, sometimes for fun (yes, it's pathetic, I know) I pretend I'm going to answer to these spamming dweebs. I have so much fun doing it and that is a testament to how exciting my life really is. But, I do not want your pity. I prefer to live my fantasy life in peace and believe as I wish to believe -so save your pity for someone more deserving....
Anyway, as I'm so oft inclined to say, I thought I'd share with you a few of my favorite spam subject lines and some of my fantasy answers. Now, I would never really actually answer any spam email - for many reasons - not the least of which no spammer with a glimmer of a brain cell would ever use his or her real email address. They're dweebs, but they're not completely stupid.
Spam Email Fun!
All subject lines, names and spam emails below are real. Nothing has been changed to protect the guilty. Everything is just as I received it. It's all here for your amusement.
Subject: Dear Customer Feel Good Now!
Subject: Keep all the girls really happy
And, it's been so
long since a girl giggled at me, anywhere, I can't even remember what
it's like. It sounds like fun though. Thanks for reminding me pf what
I'm missing. It really wasn't something I needed to be reminded of this
morning, Milo. Thanks! You ruined my day!
Good luck with
your spamming business. Try to weed out older fellows like me in the
future though. I don't think too many of us still believe we can make
Subject: Re: Photo
And, Lori, I'd love to see your pictures, however at my age I'm not sure my enlarging heart could stand the excitement of them. You better not send them, OK?
thanks for thinking of me, though, Lori. I wish you luck in your
scheme to collect email addresses from all those stupid, younger guys
with over-active hormones and no brains. Lucky for me, I am older and
wiser than they and by now I'm darn near hormone-free!
Subject: This is an experience like no
(This whole email is censored - sorry.)
I actually blushed when I saw what you were selling. I never knew this kind of stuff mattered to women. I guess I missed the boat on this one. Now I realize how far out-of-the-loop I really am. I had my suspicions that I was on the very edges of the loop - now you've made it clear I'm way out of it.
I would like to thank you, with all my heart, for letting me know how inadequate and naive I am. I will add your eye-opening information to my list of things that lower my self-esteem. Thanks for writing - but I'm too old for the kind of stuff you're selling. I don't have anyone who would appreciate it anyway, even if it did work like you promise (and I do have my doubts).
Good luck with your spamming career. I am sure there are millions young men out there eager and stupid enough to buy your product and make you wealthy. I I wish you lots of luck in your endeavors. Unfortunately I am no longer young or eager. I am not yet decided on stupid. I'm so sorry Alec - you wasted a perfectly good spam on me.
If you have any other products you'd like to show me, please feel to email me. I will happy to look over whatever else you have to offer. Please try to keep your email more appropriate for family sites like mine. I really would have liked to publish your letter but I couldn't because we want to keep our "G" rating. Please tone down your language a bit, OK? EB was really upset with you. Me? Not so much.
Subject: Olny this 5 days special price
on pharma for you dear customer
Looks to me like you need to spend a little more time in school polishing up your English!!! Your spelling is awful and your grammar is even worse than mine!!!
What the heck do I want with "pharma" anyway. What is it? We have a town here in Ohio called Parma. It's a nice little Polish community!!! They have great Kielbasa and perogies in Parma!!! Tons of nice Polish restaurants!!! You'd love it!!!! You should visit Parma sometime!!! It's very close the Cleveland airport too - very convenient for you since you'll be flying in from Bulglodonia or whatever third-world dump you come from!!!!!
I see you really love the exclamation point!!! You think it makes everything you have to say exciting, don't you????
Jerrod, you have no idea how much I'd love to fill my life with colors of merriment - if I only knew what that meant!!!!! I can only imagine euphoria!!!! I don't see any euphoria in my future though. I'm too cynical to hold out much hope of that!!!! You're not really selling LSD are you????
Sorry, Jerrod - no matter what you're selling, I would never buy anything from someone who uses all those exclamation points!!!!! Besides, I've never been a customer of yours!!! Did you send this to the right guy?????
Subject: Hey Cutie, more friendly
information from Elvira
(Elvira's email was a bit on the risqué
side. Actually she was attempting to sell me male pharmaceutical
products. There wasn't much fit in her email to print in a family
publication. Use your imagination.)
I want to tell you that your email really got my blood pumping. When someone named Elvira calls an old coot like me "cutie" it really gives me goosebumps.
Too bad you really didn't meant it. You don't really care about me Elvira, do you? You only wanted to sell me "male pharmaceuticals" for which, sadly, I have no need.
I'm sad now, Elvira. At first I really thought you meant what you said. Darn, I was so excited that some young chick named Elvira called me cutie. Shame on you, Elvira. I could have had a heart attack!
Good luck with your sales career though. I've never been one to hold grudges.
Best of luck,
PS: Could you
please enclose a picture of yourself next time?
And, by now, you're all thinking (and I know you are) that I should get a life. I know. I know. But, I have a life, I really do. And spam is so much a part of it! I can't help that I love spam. If you got as much as I do, you'd learn to love it too.
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