Text Pathetique

I was looking at cell phones the other day. I got an idea that is going to make me rich. I’m sure of it. I’ve always been an idea man, but I’ve never had an idea that made me rich. I want to be like the guy who sewed sleeves on a blanket, called it a “Snuggie” and made $522 million.

So anyway, I was looking at cell phones the other day when this great idea popped into my head and I wanted to tell you about it. But first I want give you a little background just in case you don’t know much about the new fancy cell phones. Fancy cell phones are really called “Smart Phones”, but since I don’t like that term, I call them fancy phones. There are so many kinds of these fancy phones available these days, and they really can do much more than just make phone calls. Things like selecting just the right gigolo in Buenos Aires, or making reservations for one at a “Gentleman’s Club” in Madrid, or telling you what street the local ice cream man is on and exactly how long it will take until he gets to your house, or how many of your Facebook “friends” have just written something really profound on your “wall”.

As for me? I can imagine sitting on bus in Borneo, slouching down in my seat so as to avoid the infamous Wild Man, and ordering flowers for my dear mother just by pushing a few buttons on a device hardly any larger than a pack of cigarettes. I don’t know if my mother would be impressed that I ordered her flowers while scrunching down in a seat on a bus in Borneo while hiding from the Wild Man, but I sure would be if someone sent me flowers under such circumstances. Heck, I’d be impressed if someone picked up an old rotary-dial telephone while sitting at the kitchen table in a shabby apartment in Circleville, Iowa and ordered me flowers. To be totally candid, I’d be happy if some kid gave me a dandelion. I never get flowers – maybe because I’m a guy? Where have all the flowers gone?

I digress. While looking at cell phones, I noticed that most cell phones these days are really pushing the texting feature. This got me to thinking: What if you had one of these super texting phones but you had no one to text? You’d have several alternatives I guess. You could sit alone at home and watch TV. As odd as that might sound, if you watch TV very much, sooner or later you hear someone say: “Text your answer to 6116”. Answer to what I don’t know, I don’t pay attention because I don’t have a fancy cell phone. Texting on my cell phone is like trying to play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” on a harmonica.

I bet there are literally hundreds of thousands of people, maybe even millions, who have new cell phones who are seriously disappointed because they have one of those new fancy texting-friendly cell phones, but suddenly realize they have no one to text. It’s like being all dressed up and having nowhere to go. Mostly I imagine these kinds of people would be older folks to whom texting is about as foreign as 50 cent. Still, anyone who has a fancy new phone, especially one of those with a sort-of-real keyboard and has no one to text, must really feel out of the loop. Having all those keys to press and no one to press them for, could actually make some people very depressed, even sick; it would emphasize that they don’t belong in with today’s texting crowd.

Having a new fancy cell phone and realizing you have no one to text must be very painful, especially when you see younger people driving red convertibles, drinking Pepsi, putting on makeup and texting, all at the same time. Not only would you question your own multi-tasking skills, but you’d wonder why some 17 year-old kid had a red convertible and you didn’t – and why they had someone to text and you didn’t. You’re older than they are – so you should have more people to text because you have had more time to acquire friends. These days friends doesn’t mean friends. It might mean Facebook-type, Twitter-type or real live friends; the line between those different kinds of friends has become blurred.

If you’re really old and have no one to text, it’s probably because most of your friends are dead. If they’re dead, you shouldn’t feel too badly; there’s no texting in heaven and probably no texting in hell either – although the more texting I see, the more I am beginning to think that there is texting in hell. And unfortunately for me, the way I’m going, I just might find out.

Anyway if you’re really old and most of your friends are dead and you really want to have someone to text, watch American Idol and vote for everyone. Sometimes they’ll have 12 people you can vote for – and you can vote as much as you want as fast as your old gnarly fingers will allow. And if you’re a news buff, Rick Sanchez from CNN, will give you all sorts of reasons to text him – most of them inane. Still, if you’re old and desperate to text someone, Rick is there for you. Of course, he won’t actually read your text message or reply to it – but still, since you have that fancy phone, you might as well send Rick something. Think about this too – since he won’t read it and you won’t get a reply, you’re not restricted to typing actual words. You can just start pushing buttons and when it looks like you’ve type enough, press “SEND”.

Before I go on, I want to touch on something which might be of great interest to you older folks with fancy cell phones. Many people text. Most are stupid or young. It’s not surprising that stupid people text because about 85% of all people are stupid – according to recent studies. I have no comment on this. However, a good percentage of the 15% who are considered smart – according to recent studies – also text. But no one texts more or with more enthusiasm and alacrity than do young people. If you’re an older person and you have a fancy cell phone and you’ve just fired off a text full of gibberish to Rick Sanchez, be careful. Here’s why: If you’ve even seen a text message from a teenager or a twenty-something, it will look like gibberish to you but, I assure you, it is not. It means something to them.

Consider this text message I just intercepted here at Text Pathetique headquarters:

ASLP? MEET @ *$ @ 5? PKOTL Ken-e

That actually means something. It means: “Age/Sex/Location/Picture? Do you want to meet at Starbucks at five o’clock? Passionate kiss on the lips. Kenny.”

So, if you jibber-text Rick Sanchez, make sure you check with Net Lingo’s web site, just to be sure you’re not texting something meaningful – lest one of Rick’s lascivious minions gets all excited and replies with a text message and a photo of him or herself that may shock you. Remember: It’s not your grandparent’s world anymore.

If you’re middle-aged, say between 40 and 55, just got a new fancy cell phone and you have no one to text, then you’re in luck. Most of your friends are not dead yet – although some probably appear to be. There is a good possibility that most of your friends have been forced by peer pressure, Rick Sanchez, or both, to get a Facebook page and/or a Twitter account. What that means to you is this: You have plenty of chances to scrape up a lot of “friends” to text. Let me add a word about friends here. We’re not talking about the old-fashioned meaning of friends – you know the kind you do nice things for and the kind that do nice things for you – we’re talking about new-age friends. New-age friends don’t necessarily do anything for you except exist and constantly remind you that they exist by writing completely stupid or uninteresting things on your Facebook “wall” – or twittering some really exciting news like they’re getting their hair fixed just like Cleopatra, or having breakfast with Hillary Duff or Hillary Clinton (which probably isn’t true) or Hillary Markowitz (which is probably true).

Another tip: Be extra careful that you choose people who are more-or-less in your own age group; otherwise if you text someone much younger they most certainly will reply with what will look like jibber-text to you. There’s a 90% chance – according to recent studies – that if they’re under 22, their reply will be something that would make you blush should you ever dare google it and find out what it really means.

If a reply comes and it looks like spam or gibberish, you can bet it came from a teenager or a twenty-something – even worse, they may have the hots for you. If you’re middle-aged and rich this is a really good possibility. Men, you have to be really careful; this kind of thing could land you in trouble with your wife — or in jail. If you’re a woman – you can get away with it, so go for it. You’ll might be called a cougar, but with all the fun you’ll have, you won’t really care. I’m just sayin’.

If Rick Sanchez, American Idol, Facebook and Twitter aren’t your cup of tea, you’ll love my new Web site called Text Pathetique. You can visit my new site at www.textpathetique.com . Yes, the name was stolen from Beethoven – he won’t mind, he’s dead. The name of my site comes from Beethoven’s “Sonata Pathetique” – a sad, morose, lonely, sounding piece written before Beethoven became deaf and started composing his really great stuff. “Sonata Pathetique” is an odd composition which features a strangely jolly interlude smack dab in the middle of all the gloominess normally associated with compositions written in A minor. It almost sounds like he was trying to very hard to become the grandfather of hip-hop. But make no mistake, “Pathetique” won’t cheer you up.

If you’re suicidal, you’d be well advised to steer clear of this piece all together. If you’re not suicidal but would like to be, this is the sonata for you. Try this: Sit in a dark room, alone, without your fancy cell phone, and listen to it a few times. The jolly part will nearly drive you insane, and the gloom that exudes from the speakers in the dreadful, gloomy parts (which is most of it) will make you so sad that you’ll think your heart is breaking while your eyes will fill up with tears. And if you’re tragically lonely and you force yourself to listen to “Pathetique” in a dark room, over and over again, and you don’t have your fancy cell phone with you to call someone for help, you might find yourself in a clinically depressed state – forever. If you’re uninsured, treatment for chronic depression will cost you a fortune, and that pile of medical bills wills certainly make you even more depressed. Before you get any bright ideas – I don’t have any money and I don’t own anything except a brand web site which hasn’t made a dime yet. So while you might think you’d be able to sue me and recoup your medical expenses, I’ve got bad news for you — you’d be better off suing Beethoven.

I’ve wandered off topic again, I’m sorry. My new site is staffed with really gorgeous, texting professionals, trained in texting and in replying in plain English – no stupid acronyms or text shorthand – replies that anyone can read – even if you’re 90 and you have a good pair of glasses. And no I’m not an Anglophile – we have Spanish, Romanian, Russian, Swedish, Danish, Italian, Portuguese, Croatian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Australian versions of our site coming very soon. I’m in Romania right now in fact, hand-picking thirty beautiful Romanians. I’m off to Japan next – then on to Australia.

But let’s get down to business. You can sign up for a FREE fifteen-day trail of Text Pathetique. Once you’ve signed up, login and visit www.textpathetique.com/pix and take a look at our gallery of young, svelte, beautiful texters. We have 15 female and 15 male texters and all of them are really good looking – some would even call them “hot” – and they are all ready and waiting to answer your text messages. All you have to do is sign up – all major credit cards accepted!

Think of it as having your own beautiful, texting pen pal, or as we call them: “Text-pals”. If you like our beautiful staff and would love to have a hot man or woman to text – you’ll LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our site! So take our beautiful text-pals for a free 15-day spin. After your free trial is over, you’ll find our monthly subscription fees VERY reasonable. Only $12.95 per month. If you’re a looking for a beautiful text-pal on a budget, you can SAVE BIG with our yearly plan for just $99. Yes, you read that right! Just $99 buys you a year of texting bliss with your very own sexy, hot, beautiful text-pal!

If you’re attention-starved you’ll probably want more than just one text-pal. And we have just the plans for you! If you’d like to have more than one beautiful text-pal, you can get additional text-pals for just $5 extra, each, per month on our monthly plan, or just $40 extra, per additional text-pal, on our annual membership plan. If you’re really, REALLY attention starved, and you want to SAVE REALLY BIG, listen up! For just $299 per year you can have unlimited text-pals! Yes! Choose from any or all of our thirty alluringly beautiful people. Text any of them, anytime, from anywhere! You’ll have more fun than anybody has the right to have! Just choose our UTPP (Unlimited Text-Pals Plan). With our UTPP you’ll really give that fancy new cell phone a workout!

Think if it! You’ll never be lonely or bored again! And you’ll be able to look cool wherever you go – text in your car, or while you walk, or while you shop, or while you’re using the bathroom. Text while you eat, or while you get a hair cut, or while you’re getting a manicure! Send texts while you work, while you watch TV, or while you’re blissfully drifting off to sleep. There’s no limit on how many texts you can send – and you can be sure that every single text you send will be answered by a really live, really beautiful person!

You’ll no longer feel pathetically old, tragically lonely, or out of the loop. Never again will you look like a lonely loser! You’ll fit in with the rest of the world and you’ll look young and cool smoozing around town, texting away on your brand new, texting-friendly cell phone. No more pretending like you’re important by having to resort to sending fake text messages to nobody.

Text Pathetique is your dream come true! Text Pathetique is much better than Rick Sanchez, more personal than texting those “friends” that write graffiti on your Facebook wall, and certainly more interesting than those Twitter Twit “friends” who claim to be having lunch at the top of the Eiffel tower with Tom Hanks, but are really tweeting from the break room at Walmart.

If you’ve not yet gotten a fancy, texting-friendly cell phone, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. No matter how much of a loser or how lonely you are, you’ll never have to worry about having people to send texts too. So, if you want real people, real beautiful people, who really love and care about you and who really do WANT you to text them – you’ll love Text Pathetique. Text Pathetique is my brand new web site for those of you who don’t have any real friends but are dying to text someone with that new fancy phone of yours. You’ll find your BFF and he or she is only a click, a few bucks, and a text message away!

CU L8tr Allig8or. ASLP? LOL