So

So, my name is Pedro. I’m from Mexico and I’m on assignment in Moldova. I’ve taken so many English courses in my life, but I’m so confused by the language. I so need to learn it well. So I’ve been taking remedial English courses here in Moldova (that’s where I have been living for the past 18 months) and I’ve been startled by how many exceptions there are in the English language. In Spanish we don’t have all those rules. One thing I really love about English is the two-letter words – they are so English. You’re thinking: “So what?” You so are, aren’t you? You’re so impatient.

In Spanish we have we have so many two-letter words like “Si” and “Tu” and “Yo” but those two-letter words only have one meaning each. But in English, one little two-letter word can so mean so many things. It’s baffling to someone who grew up on in an non-English speaking country. I’m so sure you never think about it because you are so used to it. But to me it’s so fascinating. How can a foreigner ever really learn your language? How in the world do American English teachers teach their students all this stuff? So, you see I’m so fascinated by English – especially with two-letter words that have so many meanings.

Take the word “so” for instance. It has so many uses and different meanings. It’s so confusing. It’s so American.

So, anyway, to me “so ” is an interesting word. I bet you Americans never even think about it, so is so common in your language. So, for example, the other day, I was so lonely. So I was on the lookout for company – I so needed someone to talk to. So it was then I met a young lady right here in Peruvia, Moldova. Her name was Cricket – so like the bug. I was so bopping to my boombox – which are still so popular in my homeland – when I spotted her. So when I saw her swaggering down the street in her so micro-skirt , my heart was jumping so. So I mustered up some courage and I said: “So hey! Hello there.” She so stared at me like I was so weird. So the she told me I was so 1990’s – because of the boombox or ? So what does so 1990’s mean? So you can guess, I was so embarrassed. So anyway, she was so pretty, and I so much wanted to buy her a cup of tea, but around girls I’m so shy. I have so much trouble talking to pretty ladies. But I was so enraptured, so just for that moment I became so bold I blurted out “So, do you have a boyfriend or what?” Oh! She was so pretty! She told me she so much didn’t have a boyfriend and called her ex a “fat, greasy, so and so”. So, really, I got so confused. If you’re a greasy, so and so, that is not a good thing, right? So anyway, we got to talking, and I was so nervous because was she was dressed so inappropriately, which is the exactly the style I so like. I realize some folks are so old fashioned they don’t like the short skirts, piercings and tattoos so much – but to me it’s so attractive. It’s so enticing.

So anyway, I finally got her to sit down at the table with me and we both ordered tea, and when everything was just so, I popped the question: “So, Cricket, what’s your opinion of Aunt Jane’s pickles? I love them, they are so tasty and so crisp” So instead of fawning, she gives me that look that so many ladies seem to learn so early in life. It must be a genetic female thing since all females so know how do do it. So she gives me that look – the look that says “You’re so not my type.” If you’re a man in this world you have to so learn to not take that look so seriously otherwise you’d so never even get a kiss, let alone get her to pay the bill. So, I continued on as if I so didn’t notice that look – but I so did.

She so obviously had never had an Aunt Jane’s pickle so I changed the subject – I so needed to get her to kiss me. Being Hispanic it’s so important to me. Kissing is so Latino. Besides I so had no money and the waiter brought the tea so I so needed her to pay the bill. I reached into my bag of poignant pickup lines. So I asked her if she ever sat on bags of peat moss when she was a kid. I so liked sitting on peat moss bags when I was a kid, so naturally I thought we’d at least have that in common. But I was so wrong. She so glared at me with a look that so means: “So are you serious, dude?”

So there I sat feeling so rejected. So you know what I mean, right? I so needed her to like me, but she so didn’t. We had two cups of Nigel Masters, Mongolian hand-picked tea sitting in front of us – so aromatic. (So have you ever had it? The tea I mean. It is so good!) I so needed her to like me. I so needed to get her to the kissing stage so I could get her to pay the bill. I so needed her to do that, becase I so didn’t want to go to jail. So having failed with the pickles and the peat moss, I was down to my last “so sure to work” pickup line. Time was so running out. Jail was so waiting for me. So I decided to use the last and best pickup line I knew.

The one that so always works.

So, as I gazed in to her incredulous eyes, out popped my so-never-fail pickup line: “So, Cricket, have you ever put a spider up your nose and sneezed, like so hard? It’s so awesome! One time I so sneezed the spider flew out and stuck on the refrigerator door. Oh it was so funny but my mom was so mad!” She so gave me that look, and I knew I was so in trouble. So I knew right then I would so not get a kiss. I would so go to jail. I was so disconsolate. So Cricket looked at me with those so lovely brown eyes, and so “You are so gauche.” My heart so starting jumping. I was so elated. She so likes me! I thought. So, I leaned over to get my kiss, with my lips so puckered, but she so slapped me instead. I was so confused. So I quickly looked up “gauche” on my English/Spanish/Moldovan iPhone app – and so by the time I found the meaning of “gauche” and looked up to apologize to Cricket, she was so gone. She so didn’t like pickles, peat moss or spiders, and the waiter brought the bill. So there I sat, so humiliated and I guess so gauche. So anyway, I sat there so without money or a friend in the world. I was so shattered.

So I know what you’re thinking – I could have so traded my iPhone for the two cups of tea, but it was so not worth it. So I’m writing this to you from Black Squirrel Prison in Masarie, Moldova. I’m so in need of a friend.

So do you think I’m gauche? I am so not couth, am I?

So do you think I’m a gauche, uncouth, so and so? Please tell me — I so need to know.

So I have to go now. The guards are coming to inspect my cell and it is so a mess – I so need to tidy up and make things just so, or I’ll so be making Moldovan stew in the chow hall for the next two weeks and so blowing spiders out of my nose. Life is so unfair.

So what do you think, you old so and so?