Colonel Kyber and the Mysterious Horse Barn – Part One

Colonel Kyber and the Mysterious Horse Barn – Part One

No one knows how old Colonel Kyber is, but it’s a sure bet that he is older than you or me. He has outlived several cats, most of which lived their entire lives protecting the mysterious horse barn from mice and other smaller-than-cat rodents. Colonel Kyber at one time resorted to rodent-eating snakes

The colonel learned the hard way that cats are safer bets when it comes to getting rid of mice and rats than rat snakes. Rat snakes are an evil breed. They don’t have venom but they have a filthy bite, ask Colonel Kyber about that.

Colonel Kyber’s father died when Kyber was only 12. He was a kid then – not a Colonel. He wasn’t even a sergeant. His mom’s name was – ironically – Kitty. Kitty raised the young boy and taught him carpentry and loom-weaving which he later disavowed. A loom weaver he was not.

Using the carpentry skills that Kitty had taught him so well, and the old rusty tools his father left behind after he was fatally kicked in the head by a wild bison, he built the mysterious horse barn right after he graduated high school. I would like to say he built it with one hand tied behind his back, but I cannot say that because it’s not true – even though many things in this world these days are not true, I still cannot bring myself to say he built the mysterious horse barn with one hand tied behind his back.

It should be mentioned here that I call it the mysterious horse barn now, but back when the Colonel built it, it was not mysterious, it had nothing to with horses, but it was, indeed, a barn. I can assure you of that.

Kitty admired her son and the barn – after all, the barn was a product of her patient nurturing and teaching and her son’s hard work. What’s not to like when one of your children gets up the gumption to build a barn? Even if you don’t need a barn, it’s a feat to admire when a nascent high school graduate picks himself up by the bootstraps and builds a barn with old, rusty tools, right?

As luck would have it, our country found itself dragged into yet another war spurred on by greedy arms makers and their lobbyists. Business for those who make tanks, nukes, bullets, and stuff gets slow when no wars are going on. What’s an arms manufacturer (more aptly called a  defense contractor)  to do when there are no bombs, tanks, fighter jets,  shells, flame-throwers, or tactical nukes to build? I mean you can only sell so many assault rifles to the general population. God Bless the NRA, right?

Making piddling assault rifles barely keeps the defense contractors busy. For the defense contractors to make real money for their stockholders (haha!) we need a good war now and again. And if you notice, it’s never long between wars, is it? Do you think that’s just a coincidence? You do? OK, I have some oceanfront property in Nebraska for you. Get in touch, I’ll sell it cheap.

Anyway, off to war went Colonel Kyber – then known as Private Kyber- then Private First Class Kyber – you don’t start your military career as a Colonel – I’ll tell you that.

But it wasn’t long before Private First Class Kyber became Corporal Kyber. Kitty was so proud of her son that she decided to do something with that mysterious horse barn, her son, now Corporal Kyber, had built with nothing but his own hands, shoddy, rusty tools, and discarded Amish barn wood.

One day after loading up the dairy case at Krogers, Kitty went to an auction and used her entire life savings to buy a horse. Whoa! Not just any horse, but a real racehorse stud.  She didn’t know horses, but she spent $45,000 on this horse because it was the progeny of the famous racehorse “Fanciful Fruitcake” and a real, certified stud, whose given name was Pandy Pudding.

Into the barn went Pandy Pudding. Kitty rented the stud out for breeding and that brings in a lot of dough. So much dough that she was able to quit her job at Kroger. Do you think I’m making this up? These stud horses can earn $100,000.00 each time. I don’t know about your world, but In my world, that ain’t hay!

All the while, back in the war, Corporal Kyber was rising up the ranks.  Up, up, and away he went until he reached the rank of Colonel.  Kitty was so proud.

Back in the mysterious horse barn, which by this time had been painted a hideous shade of “barn red”, Kitty traded Pandy Pudding’s highly prized stud services for the offspring, which eventually turned out to be a mare. Not the old gray mare, this one was brown and white.

Now, rolling in money, Kitty purchased a stallion to mate with her mare she named Twinkie after the sponge cake. She named the stallion, Rocky, and thus began the fooling around between Twinkie and Rocky which eventually led to a stable of horses.

Kitty was filthy rich, A thoroughbred racehorse breeder and equestrian par excellence.

In the meantime, Colonel Kyber has settled into an Army career and was glad he was not involved with hay and smelly horses. He found a home in war and enjoyed keeping the military-industrial complex in full vigor. He constantly received gifts from defense contractors who usually saw him flying to exotic vacation destinations, where he frolicked with the local ladies. All expenses paid, you know.

Back home in the dreary state of Ohio – “everyone hates Ohio” screamed Ryan Day, the rich and famous head football coach of THE Ohio State University Buckeyes football team)…Kitty decided to expand the mysterious horse barn. The new $500,000 expansion was to begin shortly and Kitty was as excited as a monkey in a banana tree.

Then came the discovery of a massive rodent invasion. The mysterious horse barn was infested with thousands of mice and rats. Rat and mouse feces and urine can spread diseases like salmonella, leptospirosis, and trichinosis through contaminated feed. Rodents also carry fleas, mites, and ticks, which can transmit diseases to animals and people. Kitty was distraught. She couldn’t sleep and she was petrified of these nasty rodents.

She called her son, Colonel Kyber, to come to the rescue…

Stay tuned for part 2 of this amazing story. Part two is coming … whenever I get around to writing it. What do you think I am, a chatbot?? I don’t use no stinkin’ AI. OK. I might use AI for illustrations though because I am not an illustrator and neither is EB. Do I have a volunteer?