Fancy Phones and Apologies to Beethoven

Fancy Phones and Apologies to Beethoven

I was looking at smartphones the other day – thinking maybe it’s time to get rid of my old flip phone. Not flip-flops! But it is that time of the year for everyone who does not have toenail fungus – if you do, skip the flip-flops. Please.

No. I don’t use a Jitterbug.

Anyway, while I was looking at all the smartphone choices, I got an idea that I know is going to make me rich. I’m sure of it. I’ve always been an idea man, but I’ve never had an idea that made me rich. I want to be like the guy who sewed sleeves on a blanket, called it a “Snuggie” and made $572.4 million.

So anyway, I was looking at phones when this great idea popped into my head and I wanted to tell you about it.

But first I want to give you a little background just in case you don’t know much about the new fancy cell phones. Expensive cell phones are called “smartphones”, but since I don’t like that term – how can a piece of plastic, metal, and guerilla glass be smart – I call them fancy phones. There are so many kinds of these fancy phones available these days, and they really can do much more than just make phone calls. Things like selecting just the right gigolo in Buenos Aires, or making reservations for one at a “Gentleman’s Club” in Madrid, or telling you what street the local ice cream man is on and exactly how long it will take until he gets to your house, or how many of your Facebook “friends” have just written something profound on your page. Or even give you directions to the nearest cemetery if you’re looking for a little quiet time.

As for me? I can imagine sitting on a bus in Borneo, slouching down in my seat to avoid the infamous Wild Man, and ordering flowers for my dear sister just by pushing a few buttons on a device hardly any larger than a pack of cigarettes. I don’t know if my sister would be impressed that I ordered her flowers while scrunching down in a seat on a bus in Borneo while hiding from the Wild Man, but I sure would be if someone sent me flowers. Heck, I’d be impressed if someone picked up an old rotary-dial telephone while sitting at the kitchen table in a shabby apartment in Circleville, Iowa, and ordered me flowers. To be totally candid, I’d be happy if some kid gave me a dandelion. I never get flowers – maybe because I’m a guy?

Where have all the flowers gone?

I digress. While looking at smartphones, I noticed that most cell phones these days are made for texting, with lots of shortcuts and big keyboards. This got me thinking: What if you had one of these exciting phones but you had no one to text? You’d have several alternatives I guess. You could sit alone at home and watch TV. As odd as that might sound, if you watch TV very much, sooner or later you hear someone say: “Text your answer to 6116”. Answer to what I don’t know, I don’t pay attention because I don’t have a fancy phone. Texting on my cell phone is like trying to play Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata” on a harmonica.

I bet there are literally hundreds of thousands of people, maybe even millions, who have new smartphones and are seriously disappointed because they realize they have no one to text. It’s like being all dressed up and having nowhere to go.

Mostly I imagine these kinds of people would be older folks to whom texting is about as foreign as 50 cent. Still, anyone who has a new fancy phone and has no one to text must feel out of the loop. Having all those keys to press and no one to press them for, could make some people very depressed, even sick; it would emphasize that they don’t belong in with today’s texting crowd.

Having a new fancy phone and realizing you have no one to text must be very painful, especially when you see younger people driving red convertibles, drinking Pepsi, putting on makeup, eating yogurt, and texting, all at the same time. Not only would you question your multi-tasking skills, but you’d wonder why some 17-year-old kid had a red convertible and you didn’t – and why they had someone to text and you didn’t.

You’re older than they are – so you should have more people to text because you have had more time to acquire friends and convertibles. These days the word “friends” doesn’t mean friends. It might mean Facebook-type, Twitter-type (I mean X type) or real live friends – the line between those different kinds of friends has become subtly blurred.

If you’re old and have no one to text, it’s probably because all of your friends are dead. If they’re dead, you shouldn’t feel too badly – I am almost positive that there’s no texting in heaven and probably no texting in hell either – although the more texting I see, the more I am beginning to think that there is texting in hell. And unfortunately for me, the way I’m going, I just might find out before long.

Anyway if you’re old and all or most of your friends are dead and you desperately want to have someone to text, there is hope for you. I promise.

Before I go on, I want to touch on something that might be of great interest to you older folks with fancy phones. Many people these days with fancy phones text – or want to.  But no one texts more or with more enthusiasm and alacrity than do young people. If you’re an older person and you have a fancy phone be careful. Here’s why: If you’ve ever seen a text message from a teenager or a twenty-something, it will look like gibberish to you but, I assure you, it is not. It means something to them.

Consider this text message I just intercepted here at Text Pathetique headquarters:

ASLP? MEET @ *$ @ 5? PKOTL Ken-e

That means something. It means: “Age/Sex/Location/Picture? Do you want to meet at Starbucks at five o’clock? Passionate kiss on the lips. Kenny.”

So, if you want to be cool and text with your fancy phone, be sure you check Net Lingo’s website, just to be sure you’re not texting something meaningful. Remember: It’s not your parents or even your world anymore.

If you’re middle-aged, say between 45 and 60, just got a new fancy phone and you have no one to text, then you’re in luck. Most of your friends are not dead yet – although some may appear to be.

There is a good possibility that most of your friends have been forced by peer pressure to get a Facebook page and/or a Twitter (X) account. What that means to you is this: You have plenty of chances to scrape up a lot of “friends” to text.

Let me add a word about friends here. We’re not talking about the old-fashioned meaning of friends – you know the kind you do nice things for and the kind that do nice things for you – we’re talking about new-age friends. New-age friends don’t necessarily do anything for you except exist and constantly remind you that they exist by posting completely stupid, irrelevant, or uninteresting things on your Facebook page – or twittering some really exciting news like they’re getting their hair fixed just like Cleopatra, or having breakfast with Hillary Duff (which probably isn’t true) or Hillary Markowitz (which is probably true).

Another tip: Be extra careful that you choose people who are more-or-less in your age group; otherwise if you text someone much younger they most certainly will reply with what will look like jibber-jabber to you. There’s a 90% chance – according to recent studies – that if they’re under 22, their reply will be something that would make you blush should you ever dare google it and find out what it really means.

If a reply comes and it looks like spam or gibberish, you can bet it came from a teenager or a twenty-something – even worse, they may have the hots for you. If you’re middle-aged and rich this is a really good possibility. Men, you have to be careful; if you’re a woman – you can get away with it, so go for it. You’ll be called a cougar, but with all the fun you’ll have, you won’t care.

I’m just sayin’.

If Facebook and Twitter (X) aren’t your cup of tea, you’ll love my new Web site called Text Pathetique. You can visit my new site at www.textpathetique.com. Yes, the name was stolen from Beethoven – but he won’t mind, he’s dead. The name of my site comes from Beethoven’s “Sonata Pathetique” – a sad, morose, lonely, lilting-sounding piece written before Beethoven became deaf and started composing his great stuff. “Sonata Pathetique” is an odd composition that features a strangely jolly interlude in the middle of all the gloominess normally associated with compositions written in A minor. It almost sounds like he was trying very hard to become the grandfather of hip-hop. But make no mistake, “Pathetique” won’t cheer you up.

If you’re suicidal, you’d be well advised to steer clear of this piece altogether. If you’re not suicidal but would like to be, this is the sonata for you. Try this: Sit in a dark room, alone, without your fancy phone, and listen to it a few times. The jolly part will nearly drive you insane, and the gloom that exudes from the speakers in the dreadful, gloomy parts (which is most of it) will make you so sad that you’ll think your heart is breaking while your eyes will fill up with tears.

And if you’re tragically lonely and you force yourself to listen to “Pathetique” in a dark room, over and over again, and you don’t have your fancy phone with you to call someone for help, you might find yourself in a clinically depressed state – forever.

If you’re uninsured, you can’t allow yourself to be depressed because you can’t afford it. Treatment for chronic depression will cost you a fortune, and that pile of medical bills will certainly make you even more depressed.

You could move to Canada or England or anywhere else in the civilized world and get your depression treated for free. But not here in the USA. Here it’s all about the money.

Before you get any bright ideas – I don’t have any money and I don’t own anything except the Text Pathetique website which I can barely spell and which hasn’t made a dime yet. So while you might think you will be able to sue me and recoup your medical expenses, I’ve got bad news for you — you’d be better off suing Beethoven.

I’ve wandered off-topic again, I’m sorry. My new site is staffed with really gorgeous, texting professionals, trained in texting and in replying in plain English – no stupid acronyms or text shorthand here. All replies are written so anyone over 30 can read them. So even if you’re 90 and you have a good pair of glasses you’ll be able to read them.

And no I’m not an Anglophile! We have Spanish, Romanian, Russian, Swedish, Danish, Italian, Portuguese, Croatian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Australian (all of whom have free health care) versions of our site coming very soon. I’m in Romania right now in fact, hand-picking thirty beautiful Romanian ladies for possible employment. And then I’m off to Japan and then on to Australia.

But let’s get down to business. You can sign up for a FREE fifteen-day trial of Text Pathetique. Once you’ve signed up, log in and visit www.textpathetique.com/pix and take a look at our gallery of young, svelte, beautiful texters. Some are even nubile.

We have 15 female and 15 male texters and all of them are good-looking – some would even call them “hot” – and they are all ready and waiting to answer your text messages regardless of your age or appearance. At Text Pathetique we don’t care what you look like, or how old you are, we just want your money. And all you have to do is sign up to be cool – we accept all major credit cards and even minor ones like Texaco and Fingerhut.

Think of it as having your own beautiful, texting pen pal, or as we call them: “Text-pals”. If you like our beautiful staff and would love to have a hot man or woman to text – you’ll LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our site! So take our beautiful text pals for a free 15-day test ride. After your free trial is over, you’ll find our monthly subscription fees VERY reasonable. Only $12.95 per month. If you’re looking for a beautiful text pal on a budget, you can SAVE BIG with our yearly plan for just $99. Yes, you read that right! Just $99 buys you a year of texting bliss with your very own sexy, hot, beautiful text pal!

If you’re attention-starved you’ll probably want more than just one text-pal. And we have just the plans for you! If you’d like to have more than one beautiful text pal, you can get additional text pals for just $5 extra, each, per month on our monthly plan, or just $40 extra, per additional text-pal, per year, on our annual membership plan.

If you’re REALLY attention-starved, and you want to SAVE REALLY BIG, listen up! For just $299 per year, you can have unlimited text pals! Yes! Choose from any or all of our thirty alluringly beautiful people. Text any or all of them, anytime, from anywhere! You’ll have more fun than anybody has the right to have! Just choose our UTPP (Unlimited Text-Pals Plan). With our UTPP you’ll give that new fancy phone of yours a real workout!

Think of it! You’ll never be lonely or bored again! And you’ll be able to look cool wherever you go – text in your car, or while you walk, or while you shop, or while you’re using the bathroom. Text while you eat, or while you get a haircut, or while you’re getting a manicure! Send texts while you work, while you watch TV, or while you’re blissfully drifting off to sleep. There’s no limit on how many texts you can send – and you can be sure that every single text you send will be answered by a live, really beautiful person!

You’ll no longer feel pathetically old, tragically lonely, or out of the loop. Never again will you look like a lonely loser! You’ll fit in with the rest of the world and you’ll look young and cool smoozing around town, texting away on your brand new, texting-friendly fancy phone. No more pretending like you’re important by having to resort to sending fake text messages to nobody.

Text Pathetique is your dream come true! Text Pathetique is much better than and much more personal than texting those “friends” that write graffiti on your Facebook page, and certainly more interesting than those Twitter Twit “friends” who claim to be having lunch at the top of the Eiffel Tower with Tom Hanks, but are tweeting from the break room at Walmart.

If you’ve not yet gotten a fancy, texting-friendly phone, you don’t have to be afraid anymore. No matter how much of a loser or how lonely you are, you’ll never have to worry about having people to send texts to.

So, if you want real people, real beautiful people, who love and care about you and who do WANT you to text them – you’ll love Text Pathetique. Text Pathetique is my brand new website for those of you who don’t have any real friends but are dying to text someone with that new fancy phone of yours. Maybe you will find your BFF – he or she may be only a click, a few bucks, and a text message away!

Text Pathetique – Your Texting Boutique!

CU L8tr Allig8or. ASLP? LOL ROTFL