I’m a Fat Old Hump

I’m a Fat Old Hump

First, let me preface this by honoring my best friend, Jeff, who passed away almost two-and-a-half years ago. I don’t think a day goes by when I don’t think about him and his many “Jeffisms” as I called them. Trust me, most of them are not the kind of thing I’d say on this site, they are a bit too colorful if you know what I mean.

Anyway, when I did something Jeff thought was goofy or stupid, he’d call me an old hump. I can’t even tell you what I’d call him, it’s too “colorful”. But anyway, he’d call me an old hump and we’d laugh.

Recently, I realized that I really am an old hump. There is no denying it. There comes a time in your life when you gotta stop saying “I’m getting older” and come to terms with the truth and come right out and say it: “I AM OLD.”

Well, there’s only one cure for getting older, and I’m not ready for that cure yet… not that I’ll have much choice when the time comes. One of my favorite Jeffisms (besides him calling me a hump) was his view on death. He would always say, “When your ticket’s pulled it’s pulled and you’re on the train and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.”

My troubles are many
They’re as deep as a well
I can swear there ain’t no heaven
But I pray there ain’t no hell
Swear there ain’t no heaven
And pray there ain’t no hell
But I’ll never know by living
Only my dying will tell
Said only my dying will tell
Yeah, only my dying will tell…

(From “And when I die…” Lyrics and music by Laura Nyro made popular by Blood, Sweat and Tears.)

So, really there’s only one cure for being an old hump, but there are many cures for being fat.  Many are scams, and many are painful (GYMNASIUM, WEIGHTS, RUNNING), but some are doable. One of the doable ones I’ve relied on during my yoyo dieting life is called the “keto” diet. A form of the keto diet was called the “Drinking Man’s Diet” during the 1960’s – back when men were men(?) right?

Anyway, the drinking man’s diet was nothing but a low carbohydrate diet that allowed men (or anyone on the diet) to swill as much booze as they wanted because whiskey, vodka, gin, rum, and tequila all have zero carbs – assuming you drink them straight up or with diet (now called zero sugar) mixers.

Now, the keto diet is still (somewhat) in vogue and has been for some time. Starting back on January 2, 2023, I started my latest round of dieting. This time I chose my old standby — the low-carb approach – keto style. I chose this route not so much so I could swill down bottles of bourbon, but rather so I could eat meat and cheese with reckless abandon.

An aside here. Don’t lecture me on meat and cheese. I was a vegetarian (now vegan?) for seven years.  And I ate nothing but rabbit food and eggs – which is not allowed on the vegan diet, but they were on mine. I figured whatever didn’t have to be killed to eat it was part of my diet. I never considered pulling a turnip out of the ground as Turnipcide… but I guess if you uproot a turnip you’re killing it…Right?  Does it hurt a head of lettuce if you leave it to grow and rip leaves off of it to make a salad, does it scream? (Some scientists say yes… I am not kidding).

And back to now… With all the new advances in the fake food industry, you can now eat the once-verboten bread and buns on a keto or low-carb diet. Keto bread & buns are all the rage now. The bread’s not bad but the buns are a bit heavy and sticky. How many of you have ever had sticky buns in the summertime? Raise your hand.

I’m a ketchup lover too, but ketchup is a no-no on a low-carb diet. A tablespoon of ketchup can set you back 4 carbs. And if you squirt ketchup over everything including boiled cabbage as I do, you come to look for alternatives. My alternative was Heinz sugar-free ketchup… with only 1 carb per tablespoon and a more-or-less ketchup-like taste, it was a nice addition to my keto diet.

I was on the keto diet from January 2, 2023, to April 26, 2023, and I lost a bit over 20 pounds, but since it was a cold spring no one noticed because of the heavy coats and jackets and hats. Well, someone noticed… me and the scale.

Did I tell you that I keep 3 sets of clothes?

Normal clothes
Semi-Fat clothes
Fat clothes

I can tell you that my 20-pound (plus) wight-loss was enough to get me out of the Fat-clothes closet and into the Semi-fat clothes closet.  A triumph of some sort anyway. I don’t know why I still have a normal clothes closet — the only time I’ll ever fit in those is if I spiraled down into some long agonizing death tunnel and stopped eating – but then why would I need jeans and golf shirts? Right? By that time, my kids would be hauling truckloads of my stuff to Goodwill…

Lunchtime…

OK back from lunch…so let me ketchup here. I am never going to ever wear clothes that are now hanging in my Normal Clothes closet. I am currently, and I emphasize the word currently, able to fit into some (some, I say) of my semi-fat clothes. And I won’t be surprised come next autumn that I’ll be dipping into the Fat Clothes closet again. When winter comes, I won’t really care what closet I’m in – around here in the winter everyone looks like a walrus.

After losing 20+ pounds, and gleefully moving (mostly) into my Semi-Fat closet, I found myself wearing jeans that would not fit over my wrinkled, jiggly butt for the last few years, I felt as if I was stylin’ in my semi-fat jeans the last time I went out of town.

Out-of-town these days does not mean a trip to Aruba or even a trip to New England, it means a trip to the clinic or to a doctor whose offices are out of town… or sometimes to see my son and my grandkids who live just over an hour away.

Now…

I’ve stopped the keto diet for a number of reasons… namely:

1. It’s hard on my already feeble kidneys.
2. It’s expensive. Paying $5 to $6 for a half-loaf of bread, $7 for package of hamburger or hotdog buns, and/or $4 for a tiny bottle of sugar-free ketchup and/or a tiny jar of sugar-free jam (and so on) is hard on a man with a dwindling income and who’s leaning ever more heavily on the public dole.
3. It’s not fun. Not a lot at my age is fun, but at least eating still is. In fact, it’s the funnest thing I do. Being always hungry, always craving ice cream, and always wanting what I couldn’t have is not only uncomfortable, it’s downright annoying. By the time one reaches my age, they should have earned the right to eat whatever they want. Right? I mean if what I eat hasn’t killed me by now, it’s not likely going to kill me now. Right?

So, I’m going to face the music and stand up as straight as an old man can and I”m going to shout from the rooftops “I’m an old hump!”

I’ve been off my diet now for just over a week and I’ve already gained back two of those 20 pounds that I sacrificed so much to lose. But you know what? As I often remind my doctor when he tells me to come to him with all my minor aches and pains and blemishes and other health issues (the doc wants my money and/or Medicare’s)… “I’m too close to my expiration date to be worrying about trivialities.” He laughs, but I know he wants to refer me to a geriatric psychiatrist… for a referral fee. I keep reminding him that I still manage to hobble three miles a day in less than fifty minutes, which must be quite good for an old hump like me. Right?

So, I’m off the keto diet and back on the old hump diet. At least it’s fun. I can eat whatever I want and have fun doing it. I’ll still make myself feel “active” by hobbling three miles a day down the trail that runs through the woods and then around town where people gawk and think to themselves — “Look at that old hump!”

So be it… by next fall I’ll not just be an old hump, I’ll be a fat old hump. And if the good Lord’s willing, l will be glad to be alive and ever more glad that I have a still (somewhat) functioning mind. Or maybe not.

I’m a fat old hump, I tells ya!

And Jeff, thanks for all the good times and all your Jeffisms… I miss you and your humor, my friend. Jeff and I enjoyed each other’s often self-effacing humor for over 35 years.

I think we need a little more humor in this world these days and what’s better than poking fun at yourself? It’s certainly better than making fun of others… don’t you think?

Let’s all laugh a little more!