Romance Novel Heroes

I read a lot of books. I don’t often get books at the library because I seldom remember to take them back. I’ve paid too many $50.00 fines. Now, I just buy books, it’s cheaper. I buy a lot of books – mostly paperback books because I’m cheap. But I have bought a few hardback books over the years too, most of them were for display purposes only. I like to fill my bookshelf with books I’ve never read so I appear erudite and scholarly to those who visit my home. This could be a real ego-booster. I dream about visitors to my home catching site of my well-stocked bookshelf and envying my bevy of leather-bound books with enigmatic titles like “The Reproductive Cycle of Canadian Fresh Water Lobsters: An Abstract.” I can hear them gasp in amazement and drool with admiration. I’d be so puffed with pride.

But I don’t have many visitors to my home unless you want to count the cable guy who comes to fix my cable Internet six or seven times a month. He’s been here so many times, he makes his own coffee. I don’t think he reads many books though. I’m not even sure he knows how to read. I’m not even sure he knows how to fix my Internet connection – but he sure makes a great cup of coffee.

Anyway, forgive my digression.

I live in a very small town. Unlike those who live in big cities, my books don’t come from Borders or B. Dalton, they come from Rachel’s Used Book Store & Stitchery or Walmart. Mostly Walmart because they have more books. Whether I support my local used-book store depends on Rachel and whether or not she’s been spending more time on the stitchery side of her business or the book side. If she’s been on the stitchery side the books can be disorganized and miscategorized and it’s hard to find anything. Imagine finding “Mien Kampf” in the Romance section for example. So shopping at Rachel’s for books depends on the week.

Walmart has a book section too. Lately however, Walmart seems to be pandering to lonely women and teens rather than astute, erudite readers such as I. Their Romance section has doubled in size in just the time it took me to finish “The Road” by Cormac McCarthy (great book by the way).

If nothing else, I’m curious. The last time I went to Walmart in search of a book to read, I picked up a few Romance novels and read their descriptions on the back covers. I really hate to say this but when I read the descriptions of the heroes of these books, I felt as if they were talking about Moi!

All the heroes of these Romance novels appear to be the same guy – a guy much like me. These heroes all have flowing hair, well-sculpted chests, six-pack abs, bulging biceps, and steel-blue eyes that melt women’s hearts. Well what can I say? I have to admit I feel that these Romance novelists are writing a description of me. I don’t like wearing shirts either. Am I being conceited?

I notice that all Romance novelists are women. Why is that? After reading the descriptions of the Romance novels’ main male characters I began suspecting that the neighbor lady (Brenda, if you must know) is a Romance novelist. I can picture Brenda with binoculars ogling me while I mow my lawn shirtless, beads of glistening, masculine sweat rolling down my bare, smooth, tanned, muscular chest. Sorry about all the adjectives, it’s just hard to describe my manliness without them.

I’m quite sure the sight of me mowing my lawn, shirtless and sweating with my long, golden Adonis-locks blowing in the breeze, has inspired many of her Romance novels. You know I think I’m on to something here. Her husband, Bob, has been laid off for over a year but last week they traded in their Buick SUV for a new Cadillac CTS. Bob told me it was the $4500 “Cash For Clunkers” program that made them decide to buy a new car, but I think Brenda just churned out another Romance novel under the pseudonym of Lucy Lovethorn, and it was a hit. Just think. I inspired it.

I’m sitting here shirtless right now writing this – hang on let me open the curtains and turn on a light – it might be a good time to inspire another Romance novel. No doubt Brenda has binoculars in hand. When she sees that my curtains are open, I’m sure she’ll point those binoculars toward me and start glassing me – gasping in womanly delight.

It’s hard to be a Romance novel hero model like me. I’d rather be a Romance novel hero. They can do all sorts of things that would land normal guys in jail. For instance, when Romance novel heroes toss women up against walls – the women get excited and beg for more. Here in my little town the sheriff would be slapping cuffs on you and hauling you to the county jail before you had time to wipe one sexy bead of sweat from your chest.

These Romance novel heroes toss women around like rag dolls and the women beg for more. These guys are always sweaty, covered with dirt from digging fence posts, unshaven, and never get a haircut yet the women can’t resist them. These guys don’t even own shirts and women melt in their arms. Romance novel heroes always come in from working in the hot sun – they’re always digging something – fence posts, drainage ditches, graves – and they always come into the farm house for a drink of “water”. Of course, the lady of the house’s husband is always in New York on business and when the burly hunk comes in for water all hell breaks loose inside the woman’s hormone factory.

But really, these guys must stink and they’re dirty (now, now I don’t mean it that way!). They’re smelly, dirty, and unkempt but they drive women wild. I think it’s time that us regular guys started reading Romance novels and busting it out with weights at the gym. Why waste time taking showers, getting hair cuts or shaving? We should use that time to lift weights, work out, and drink beer. Who needs to shave anyway? Who needs to waste time taking showers. And, really who needs to sit in Pinky’s Barber Shop for 45 minutes listening to Pinky extol the virtues of bass fishing?

We men must be bigger fools that we think we are. All this time we thought showering, shaving, and haircuts made us look more desirable and attractive. All we really need are bulging muscles, sweaty bodies, blue eyes (Note: Buy ice-blue contacts), and a little dirt smeared on us. We thought ladies wanted to be treated like ladies? Ha! We need to band together and start reading Romance novels and learn how women really think. Maybe we’ll never have to open a car door again.

I’m going to get a membership to the gym. I’m going to throw away my shower soap. I’m going to toss my razor. I’m going to go out and dig holes and get sweaty and dirty. I’m going slip on my new blue contacts and go find work on a ranch owned by a lonely golf-widow.

I’m going to write a Romance novel; that’s what I’m going to do.