So You Wanna Be A Millionaire?

“I DONE IT – AND YOU CAN TOO”

It’s your lucky day. You just saved $1500.00. Thundercloud, with uncharacteristic magnanimity has granted you “special” permission to attend his “So You Wanna Be A Millionaire” seminar at no cost to you. This seminar normally retails for $1500.00, but for you, today only, it’s free! So, listen up! You just might learn a thing or two. ‘Cause he done it, and you can too!

Good morning folks! Are we all ready to become instant millionaires? Good. Let’s all give a war hoop to get our motors running and get ourselves pumped up for today’s seminar, which could (if you’re lucky) change your pathetic little lives! Are you ready! Let’s do the Thundercloud War Whoop!
Ready? Stand up and scream:

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Yahoo! Are you pumped now? I know I am! I’m ready to take on the world, are you? If you’re going to be millionaire, you’re going to have to be ready to take on the world. You’re going to have to keep yourself pumped up. You’re going to have to ready to take advantage of everyone every opportunity!

The world, as you obviously do not know, is awash in money. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t privy to that basin of funds. It’s mostly controlled by 1/10th of 1% of the people. They got it, they’ll try to keep you from getting it. And, that’s why, I suppose, you all forked out $1500.00 for this one hour seminar – so you could be awash in money too!

If you’ve looked around lately, you’ll see everything is about money. I’m not here to pass moral judgment on that, I’m here to teach you how to get some of that money for yourself and your family – or your “significant other” as the coolspeak generation likes to say. By-the-way, if you’re married, don’t let anyone know – just pretend they’re your “significant” other. It’s about as cool to be married these days as it is to use Internet Explorer. Coolspeakers use Firefox and have significant others. If you want to play the game, you have just got to fit in. Otherwise ,you’ll reduce your chances of having the world that is awash in money washing over you.

OK group! Take out your notebooks and pens, and start writing – because I’m now going to share with you the secrets of the universe – umm at least the secrets of being a millionaire.

Let’s not beat around the Bush (no pun intended). The best and easiest way to become a millionaire and join those that live in the part of the world that is awash in money, is by getting into U.S. national politics. Once you’re elected, you’re on the steamboat to success. Whether you’re male or female, you’ll instantly be welcomed into the “good old boys club” where cigars are ‘a ‘smokin, deals are ‘a cookin’, and you’re on the shore of that vast ocean of money. If you can get elected, and re-elected just once, I guarantee you, you’ll be awash in money.

I don’t want to dwell on this method of getting rich, for as I look around this room, I don’t think most of you would make attractive candidates. First, you have to have teeth and look somewhat presentable – no offense intended! But, maybe one of you can pull it off. If so it’s a ticket to ride on the gravy train. Because, it’s easiest and fastest way to get rich legally.

The neat part about politics, is that when you’re too old to politick you’ll get all sorts of plaques and gold watches – as people praise you for being such a dedicated <Thundercloud can hardly stop laughing here> “public servant” HA! HA! HA! HA!. Sorry class. That term always tickles me dern near to death! These yeckles get rich, plunder the poor taxpayer and then get honored for being great public servants. Doggone it! That’s the way to go if you can do it. Get yourself elected to something and plunder away!

Like I said, before, that’s not an avenue that is available to a rather unattractive bunch of hayseeds like you people – and I mean that in the kindest way. Teeth and so on are required for public office and many of you are missing many of the attributes that would make you viable candidates.

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

Before you go out and hang yourself from a long rope (no pun intended), don’t dismay. I, Thundercloud, am going to give you hope; inspire your souls; and teach you all – and in just a few minutes, you’ll learn how to set up your own global empire and become a millionaire mogul. Yes you, Elmer! Yes you, Florence! Yes, you Tim! Yes, you Myrtle! Yes, you Frank! And, you, you and you – and you! When you leave here today, you’re going to thank your lucky stars that you plunked down your life savings to attend my seminar because today – er ummm maybe not til tomorrow, you’ll see the world in a different light. You’ll be hunkering down waiting for that part of the world that is awash in money to wash all over you. In fact, after you finish my seminar:

You’ll be able to look at a Lexus and not even glance at the sticker
You’ll be able to afford to buy real organic food
You’ll be able to buy a new toaster that is big enough for bagels
You’ll be able to eat someplace other than Taco Bell
You’ll be able to buy leather shoes with tassels on them
You’ll be able to wear stuff with the real Nike logo on it
You’ll be able to afford iPads
You’ll learn that the word “Lobsters” means more than a minor league baseball team in Maine
You’ll learn that there are other stores besides Wal-mart, K-mart, and Dollar Stores (yes, Virginia, there really are!)
You’ll be able to afford a stuffy team of big-time lawyers, and make money anyway you want… without worrying about legal ramifications
You’ll learn the arcane secrets the wealthy use to avoid taxes and stay out of jail too!
You’ll have power, prestige, and respect
You’ll snidely thumb your nose at those pathetic peons who must work for a living
You’ll have teeth and belly-button rings.

Yes, indeed, my friends, I’m going to transform you from a seedy bunch of pathetic losers, into nicely coiffed financial wizards. Soon, you’ll be splashing about in a world that is awash in money. You’ll drive fancy cars. Laugh in the face of morality. Rise above the law! Shake hands with politicians and other rich folks. Eat Italian cookies! Drink French wine! Get real unsolicited, personal phone calls from Oprah Winfrey, Newt Gingrich, or Barry Bonds! You’ll have the power and success that, until now, has so obviously and adroitly alluded you!

I’m going to teach you how to write self-help books with titles similar to the ones I have written. Titles like: “I Done It, You can Do It Too!”, “Spamming Your Way To Eggs Benedict”, “The Five-Minute Millionaire Bathroom Reader”, “Be A Spyware Guru – Plunder The Masses From The Web, “Have Your Lobster Bisque And Eat Theirs Too!”, “Buy The Empire State Building With No Money Down!”, “What Does Donald Trump Have That You Don’t?” (I have to laugh here as I’m thinking “teeth & hair?” chortle! chortle!). “Plundering The Elderly – Start Your Own Chain Of Low-budget Nursing Homes”, “How Morality Keeps You Poor” and many others. It doesn’t matter if you know how to write! It doesn’t matter if your grammar is horrendous! It doesn’t matter if you can’t spell. Look at me! I done it, and you can too!

Yes friends,, in just a few minutes you’re going to walk out that door with the Rosetta Stone of financial wizardry right in your bony little hands. My pearls of financial sophistry oozing from page. Ideas from the heretofore hidden recesses of my glorious over-sized cerebellum; ideas that can and will change your financial well-being.

Soon you’ll be rubbing elbows with the rich and famous! You’ll have shiny, golden globs of Pouilly Fuisse running down your pampered chin. You’ll be dabbing succulent Russian caviar from your glossy  silicon-enhanced lips; wiping chunks of imported, rare truffles off your Rolex; you’ll be surrounded by a gaggle of cowering sycophants! You’ll laugh in the face of speeding tickets! Easily buy your way out of DUIs! Bribe mayors, governors, even presidents – to get what you want. It’s a world that has alluded you too long. It’s your turn to legally plunder and pillage – it’s you, baby! You! You! You!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

As you leave the seminar today, my assistant, Eightball (the one in the clown outfit) will be handing you each a folder full of my own decadent, money-making ideas that will transform you from a loser into a winner! Soon, you’ll be presenting seminars just like mine and getting hundreds of schlumps to pay you $1500.00 for an hour of chicanery and sophomoric (but witty!) pseudo-aphorisms.

Thank you for attending the seminar. Don’t forget to pick up your folder as you pass the clown on your way out.

Hey! I done it and you can too!

Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!